Ximar

Lifehouse
Spin

Why would I chase your shadow all my life
And be afraid of my own?
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than
Be alone and convinced that I know

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
You and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I'm not sure
about anything
But you wouldn't have it any other way

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
You and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Spinning turning watching burning
All my life has found its meaning
Walking crawling climbing falling
All my life has found its meaning

You and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
You and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

first heard this song at h&m last night and i fell in love with it right away. this sounds a bit weird, but it's becoming my comfort song. i'm not exactly sure what the song is all about but it feels nice singing along with it.

it sure felt nice to have had company for the past few days. elis told me her company and her are not coming here after all. i'm really disappointed, but i do understand. unfortunately, i also miss them. haven't seen them for a while. it's bad enough losing one friend, i don't wanna lose the others too. got my passport back today, which means i can probably do the written test sometime this week. when i'm not feeling lazy, that is *wink*

woohoo... at 12:20am, i finished what i set out to do an hour earlier, built my own snowman!!! *groan* lord knows it wasn't an easy task, but i did it. i am so proud of myself *grin*

- get neutralizer and humidifier
- call cik farah or pn rusliah
- call kak intan
- drop by brian lee's office
- ask for status letter from icenter

finally watched two towers. neat. really, very neat.

i've cold, life couldn't be more interesting.

god, i'm such a pitiful case. i'm sad, i feel sorry for myself, i don't know what to do, and i don't know who to talk to. see, this is what is called winter depression. it's just that time of the year *grin*

my life is on public display. i'm staying in johanne's room for the winter break, and it has two huge windows on two of the walls. by huge i mean the windows reach the ceiling from two feet above the floor. i put the computer on the table in front of the window facing the front street. so pretty much, whoever walks or drives past can look into the room and see me. and no, i made note not to change in the room nor do i sleep with the blinds up. but otherwise, i like having sunlight in the room and looking outside watching what goes on there. if you are ever in the neighbourhood, please... drop by richardson house on professor's row and knock on my window (i'm on the first floor). it's always a pleasure to have someone over for a visit.

fcuk! i am in deeeeeeeep schit, i can't find my passport!

another visit to health services?!?! what was i thinking?!?! i am now $50-less, none the richer. i've no idea how that person in the white lab coat convinced me to get a nasal inhaler that HER doctor recommended HER yesterday. i thought i HAD gone to see a doctor, then why the heck was she talking about HER doctor?!?! the world is messed up, i gotta tell you that. afsan, nida and i just got back from watching my big, fat greek wedding. i suppose it is entertaining, but it's every bit like a desi movie. definitely one for a good laugh if that's what you're looking for. i believe that's three movies in a week??? all the money down the drain... and we're supposed to go watch two towers tomorrow to celebrate afsan's birthday after diah gets back from new york.

my nose is killing me. another visit to health services i suppose.

all zonked out. i spent ten hours working (i really should say slacking off actually) at the media center. tomorrow, i'll be working for another five or six hours. the never-ending pursuit of money.

i feel exactly the same way dr doppler feels when jim discovers the map to treasure planet and they decide to go find it.

yea baby... yea baby....

i think i know why my jemput-jemput pisang hadn't turned out right when i tried to make them. passed by hodgdon and there were a few bananas up for grabs. i will make another attempt at making jemput-jemput. on the other hand, i don't know why i can't focus on international econs. keep putting off the studying eventhough i know i have to do it, the exam is tomorrow after all. looks like it's pulling an all-nighter tonight. oh well.

well, apparently i haven't been studying much. i tried to, but couldn't bring myself to read about all those international policies. too much to comprehend. can't wait for tuesday to be over. a lot of things to be done before this semester is over, which means within this week. also, i'm trying to work as many hours as humanly possible. if i plan to go back next year, which i certainly am, i need to make as much money as i can within this six months. since i was about five years old, my mom started to call me kadir. as far as i can remember, it had something to do with me being hard to be waken up in the morning. although i eventually become a moderately light sleeper, the nickname sticks with me to date. my mom has stopped calling me with that name, but my siblings haven't. it doesn't really annoy me, but i'm still in the dark as to where the name comes from. the only kadir that i know of was my mom's grandfather, whose name was nik abdul kadir, whom we fondly called tok wan dir. it so happens that one of the arabic songs that reem always plays in the room that i become hooked on is called abdel kader. i'm actually thinking of making my brother listens to the song, wonder what he would say. well, if anyone would like to listen to good arabic songs, let me know, i'll send them over. meanwhile, back to international trade policies #&*?%@8

you don't know jack schiit!?!?!

i said to everyone yesterday that i wouldn't start studying for international econs until sunday. and it's happening. i spent my whole day sleeping and doing nothing. today has been full of schiit.

i went to the health services today. if shon hadn't drag me to go with him, i wouldn't have gone there by myself. anyway, since i was already there waiting for shon getting something for his sore throat, i thought i might as well get someone to look at my nose. it bled last night at three o'clock just as i was about to pass out on my bed, couldn't have been worse timing. well, the doc told me that i've scabs and swelling in my nostrils. she gave me afrin to use, which works wonders. this thing is amazing. i don't remember the last time i was able to breathe this freely, it feels as if my airway has just expanded ten times wider. the only thing is that it tastes a bit nasty, but i'll live with that. i actually have just got back from watching frida with afsan. if any of you out there are looking for something good to watch, go for frida. it's not a totally serious movie, and it's entertaining. treasure planet is a good movie too, if you're looking for something lighter. or if you're looking for something different, there's always koyaanisqatsi. the picture is amazing and the music is soothing. or if you want something totally new, why not just wait for two towers to come out this wednesday. sounds good? cool.

so yes, how may hours are there in a week? 168 did you say? i'll be getting my 12-hour sleep back, that should leave me with 84 hours of waking hours. another 10 hours will be spent working at the international center every week - 74 hours. shakir and diah are going to teach me to drive for 2-4 hours a week - 70 hours. afsan, diah and i are going to be doing bake sales and visiting mosques for the islamic center project, which nicely takes care of another 8 hours - 62 hours. showering, praying and getting ready every day would take about 2 hours - 60 hours. i'll try very hard teaching myself how to build a webpage and how to use my baby camera, roughly this will take 10 hours - 50 hours. i'll spend at least two hours every day to cook and eat, that still leaves me with 36 hours more to kill. now, that doesn't sound so bad, does it? 36 hours a week for three weeks with nothing to do? i guess i could always run down to the frog pond every day and work on my ice-skating skill, which is non-existent at this very moment. sounds like a plan. and all the time, i'll be thinking of everyone having fun at home, enjoying the tropical weather, eating all the good food, torturing myself. yup, definitely sounds like a good plan to me.

and now on a lighter note, i actually didn't kill myself in the intermediate econs exam, there was some last minute enlightenment which i have my conspirator up there to thank for. since i didn't have anything that needed to be done immediately, i thought i'd go to the media center early. i got there, and thought i'd take a short nap in the lounge before my shift started. well, turned out my 'short' nap turned into an hour nap, and dan was left alone at the counter wondering where in the world did i go. that was such a not good thing to happen. hopefully i don't oversleep tomorrow, and can get here in time to open the media center at the time it's supposed to be opened.

i'm committing suicide in another half an hour. hopefully, after tonight, i'll be reincarnated. i can't bear the thought of saying goodbye to everyone as they leave for home, i'll be so sad here by myself *sob sob, sniff*

arabian nights and days are soooo over, yeay!

knowing what you should do and shouldn't do and doing what you do are definitely different things. i really, really wanted to go see people running on the quad tonight, especially since some people i know were running too. reem and afsan said they would go, and i was debating with myself whether i should join them or not. while i was deep in thought, chris called, reminding me that i had said i would cover amina at the media center. so there you go, saved by the bell once again. or so i thought. i had just came out from the restroom at the media center when all of of a sudden, two guys wearing only their birth suits appeared in front of me *grin* and of course, being a good girl i am (have no doubt about this) what else could i have done but averted my eyes to the floor and hid behind the counter until the gentlemen finished their business here, upstairs in the library. god help me, i'm being corrupted (or corrupting myself) more and more every day.

two more exams before i'm officially done for the semester. my cousin sent me a really cool kad raya, it can be folded into a really nice pencil holder. fancy that. i also got two more kad raya, from my family and from yong. i'm never good at writing and sending letters/cards, but i guess this time i've to make an effort of writing back to the people who've been kind enough to spare me a thought on this blessed aidilfitri.

i was in halligan until about five minutes ago, working on my arabian nights paper, without much improvement, i must say. me going to bed after five o'clock, this is so unheard of.

i'm having one of my mood swings, so people, don't heed me much. went to kak saerah's open house. we were there early to help out with sate and laksa. a lot of people came, more than last year, i think. it was funny watching all the little kids crawling on the floor and under the tables because there was no space for them to play. i thought my intermediate econs exam will be on tuesday, but apparently it's not until thursday. fuh, that should give me a few extra days to study, plus i can just concentrate on arabian nights this weekend. i'm feeling sleepy already, we just came back from dinner at a thai restaurant, dok bua, about an hour ago. i should sleep early i guess, i'm not gonna be able to get much work done anyway. but i'm in halligan, so someone will have to take me home...

just got another kad raya, this time from rom, with raya songs cd some more. thanks rom!!!

you gotta watch treasure island, it's very, very different from every other disney's movies. very well made, wonderful storyline, VERY good looking hero (yo, check out the hair dude). it's a feel good movie, my favourite part is when the spaceship was facing danger of sinking when one of the stars died, and then turned into a blackhole. amazing plot, and i've to say, very original too. well, i'll be off to bed while i'm still high on treasure island and dream of something other than someone's butt!!! :P

i bet by now half of the trays in hodgdon are gone. people are going crazy here on top of the hill, sledding down the president's lawn. i imagine everyone is stressed out with the exams coming up. this snow storm comes just at the right moment when we need it most. god always know best. i called home and talked to everyone important (i hope). seems like everyone is happy and is having fun. although i don't know how much fun they can have without me *wink, wink* my immediate family on the other hand, was still lost in the dreamland, at nine o'clock, on the morning of hari raya, when i called. gara-gara menyiapkan tempahan roti jala sebanyak lapan puluh kilo sepanjang malam, sehingga subuh. can't break my record though. my parents and four of us finished 120 kilos of roti jala in a two days, one night roti jala-thon. as i far as i know, that's a world record. my mom has been making roti jala for tempahan raya for as long as i can remember. when my brother and i were too little to help her, we kept her company in the kitchen. we would drag the living room cushions into the kitchen and lied down to watch her. eventually we'd fall asleep of course. i guess this is the stages that all of my siblings go through:
1) help out with the eating
2) keep my mom company, and watch and observe
3) help out with mengangkat roti jala from kuali and menyusun roti jala atas tray (this step also goes through a few stages, first we use spoon then as we become more expert, we start using our fingers)
4) help put with making the roti jala itself (graduation!!! it takes some practise to make perfectly shaped roti jala, so far only the female species of my family has got the knack of it)
*one rule: to never eat our own roti jala at the houses we're invited to, it just doesn't feel comfortable.
i talked to my mom when i called home and she sounded really tired. i guess it's about time she retires from making roti jala for hari raya. it's really tiresome, and it takes some of the joy away from fully celebrating hari raya.

looks like we're having white eid here in boston!!!!!

now i cannot stop grinning for the rest of the day. just got my first kad raya from home;

kakak beraya dengan taco ke di sana. che nun beraya dengan piza malaysia. jagalah bodi sikit, jangan makan ikut suka, nanti jadi macam tempayan.
- che nun -

che doakan semoga nabiah sentiasa sihat dan mendapat jodoh yang baik.
- che -

ayah wei mahu lihat nabiah balik dengan kerjayaan, bukan buat balik gewe.
- ayah wei -

iffah dah besar
- iffah -

saya tahu kak nabiah semakin menawan
- amalina -

*HUGE grin* tomorrow is hari raya, tonight i will call everyone at home. hopefully i can catch everyone at the same time. to everyone, SELAMAT HARI RAYA, MAAF ZAHIR BATIN, HALALKAN SEGALA ILMU, MAKAN DAN MINUM

202 E White St
Apt #33
Champaign, IL 61820

so i need to start working on my arabian nights paper, what else is new? who doesn't know about the procrastination trap. you procrastinate and keep on procrastinating, convincing yourself that you'll always have time for it later and it will not take you long to get it done. then one day you wake up, and "crap, i need to get this done and hand it in today?!?!!" here's the hardest decision to make ; do you get the work the done within a really short period of time and hand in a crappy piece of junk, or do you just forget about it and try to convince your instructor that you don't need to hand it in and he/she can just evaluate your past work to finalize the grade? and the merry world goes on, oblivious to your little misery, fruit of your own doing.

do we dress up to impress others or do we dress up to make ourselves feel good? i am not a good dresser. people either see me in black or blue or grey. on occasions, i wear green or creme or purple. once in a blue moon, you'll find me in pink or other bright colours. and almost always, i'll be wearing jeans or pants and shirts or sweatshirts or fleece sweaters. and socks. and sneakers. i dress up when the occasion calls for it. when there is a formal function or event i have to attend, or when it is hari raya. when it would make me look like a weirdo if i don't dress up like everyone else. i also dress up whenever i feel like doing so. i've been to the islamic center for buka puasa dressed up in my new black pants and sweaters and everyone was like, "you dressed up just to come here?" yup, sometimes it feels nice to treat yourself by putting on nice clothes and give a boost to your self confidence. i've also dressed up for someone else. when i think my mom would like to see me look nice (i can't say pretty, coz my mom already told me i'm not pretty). when you think there is someone special in your life, and you dress up for that person hoping he/she would notice and like it. i think all this is normal. i don't dress up to go to class, i don't have good colour coordination, i don't have good taste in clothes. but i still like to look nice and to have someone pays me compliment for my effort trying to look nice. human nature, i think. after all, Allah likes everything nice, clean and that smells good. so there's no reason why i shouldn't dress nicely when going to places of worship. if i can dress up for myself and others, there's no reason why i shouldn't dress up to kneel before the Almighty.

jab se hui mulaqaat
jadoo me sari sari raat

arrgghh... huma's making me work, this is so not healthy.

how many articles of faith are there, really? diah and i are pretty sure we have six, but a few other people are adamant that there are seven. the seventh one being faith in the day of resurrection. it's ironic how the more we talk to people, the longer we know them, we have more to discover about them.

my parents called me at one o'clock in the morning, after i had closed my eyes for about five minutes, to wake me up to pray because they think tonight is the night of lailatul qadar. this is the first time they ever call me here. to tell the truth, i was taken by surprised, especially since i had called and talked to them earlier tonight. obviously i wouldn't wake up right away, sleep was too precious to let go. but it would have make me feel guilty if i don't wake up at all, hence here i am, eating cheese sandwich and waiting for fajar.

i hadn't meant to write about what i wrote earlier. what i had meant to write about was what we did on our trip. so, diah, shakir, usman and i left boston around ten on tuesday night. we drove right into a snowstorm two hours later somewhere before we reached albany. and every three hours, one of us would make a bathroom call. diah wanted to see the sun rise, so we took a three-hour detour to niagara falls. which was a pretty dumb thing to do, since it was snowing and freezingly cold there. we didn't catch much of the sunrise but we had a good laugh over our stupidity. we started towards ann arbor again, but everyone was falling asleep by then. usman kept sticking his head out of the window, saying it felt like taking a cold shower, until shakir took over the wheel. then we ended up playing hang man for the rest of the journey to keep everyone awake. tooba was happy to see us. that night she took us to dinner and showed us around. we were not really being enthusiastic like we were supposed to be, everyone was exhausted by the sixteen-hour trip and staying awake was becoming more of an effort. the next day, we woke up late and tooba showed us around the umich ann arbor campus. the school is huge, it's at least five times bigger than tufts. we stole two rolls of toilet paper from the neuroscience building because we ran out of them at tooba's.later, we broke fast at the islamic center of ann arbor. i met a bunch of umich people there, including diba alwa. i wished i had time to call and meet up with some other people, but we were there for only a short time. we got back to tooba's and cooked (well, tooba and usman did) and ate and watched lock, stock, and two smoking barrels, although i slept as soon as the movie started. on friday, everyone woke up early and we went to chicago. it was an extremely nice trip. we looked for a mosque to pray in as soon as we got into chicago. we found one at a sketchy neighbourhood and another one closer to the city, and we prayed solat jumaat at the latter. we took the lake shore drive, went to downtown, went to eat on devon ave and then later visited tooba's best friend at tufts before, jee at his apartment in irving park. it was an impromptu trip, but everything went on smoothly, which made us all very happy and put us in a very good mood. we drove back to ann arbor and got in at three in the morning. saturday was the day to leave. we left ann arbor at one in the afternoon and once again drove straight into a snowstrom, this time in ohio. the drive back was more cheerful because everyone kept talking and talking and arguing and teasing. we didn't even have to play hang man anymore. but i thought it was rather funny that no matter what topic we started to talk about, we'd eventually ended up talking about marriage. i've no idea how that happened but i guess diah, shakir and usman are all in that stage of life when marriage is an issue to think and be concerned about. as for me, usman had put it rather clearly when he said, "let her graduate first, yaar..." we broke fast an hour before we reached albany, i finally got the mcdonald's fillet i had been craving for for days. we reached boston at two thirty in the morning after an almost fourteen-hour drive.

been away to michigan for the past four days. i had a really good time and i'm glad i went. it gave me a chance to get to know diah, shakir, tooba and usman better. and also to chill, relax and forget about school for a while. i feel it's almost a pity i didn't meet this guys earlier and wouldn't be with them for much longer, coz they are all wonderful people and there's so much i can learn from them. right now, nida and i are the youngest, everyone else will be leaving next year. shakir has already finished his grad study and he hangs around only because usman and amir are still here. amir, diah and usman are finishing their second degree next year. afsan's graduating next year and so will huma if she finishes early. i'll miss them terribly when they are all gone and i fear that i'll have to start the process of getting to know people and making friends all over again. i guess this is the way life is but it can be really hard trying to find friends whom i can identify with and feel comfortable being myself around, especially here. i like being spoilt by everyone. since i'm younger than them, they treat me like they would their own sister yet at the same time they acknowledge that i'm capable of being mature and show appreciation for my thoughts and feelings. these people have encouraged me in the past year to feel comfortable speaking my own thoughts and representing others in the society. they've changed the way i feel about myself and the way i look to others. my nose has started to bleed again and tooba made me put petroleum jelly in my nose to stop the bleeding. it's pretty gross, but it helped. back at tufts means back to reality. it's time to catch up with work but first, sleep...