Ximar

Matthew Dysart's "The Real Catastrophic Defect"

I think Matt Dysart makes a very good argument in his Viewpoint article. I find myself nodding while reading through it, somehow he has managed to put things that I think about, but find hard to express, in clear words.

I have conflicting views on abortion myself. I can understand the argument that it is similar to killing, or murder, but what if the pregnancy is a threat to the mother's life or health and the fate of the baby (whether it'll live or not) is yet unknown? But then you want to remember that women have been giving birth since the beginning of humanity, and if anything, pregnancy was more dangerous then than it is now. I think it is not wrong to say that every pregancy until about, what, a 100 years ago (?), was a threat to every woman's life. And if our foremothers had decided to have abortion, for even quarter of the times they were pregnant, how many of us wouldn't be here today?

I find it hard to agree with the argument that a woman should be given a choice over what's happening to her body. A child is not something that just happens (with the exception of Siti Mariam, of course). You don't get to choose whose womb you are born to, but you definitely get to choose who to sleep with and if that's the case, you should be ready to accept the consequences. Please don't use the term "unwanted" or "unintended pregnancy". I find it extremely insulting, not to mention misleading. Abstinence is the way to go, not abortion. A child is a gift, whether you deserve it or not.

What about pregancy that resulted from rape? There is such a thing called emergency contraception to prevent pregancy, and is usually administered immediately to rape victims, as long as they come forward and ask for help in time. If a woman becomes pregnant after a sexual assault, what should she do? I can always say that she should not hold it against the child, that it is her child after all, regardless of the XY part in it. It is certainly easy to say, but it's not always easy to be noble is it? I can say a lot of things right now but I can't imagine what I myself will do if I find myself in the situation (God forbid).

Another thing that I can't imagine; how can you bring yourself to do it if you already know that you're pregnant? Once you know you should be able to notice the differences in your body. It need not be big changes that other people will also notice. Just the small, initial changes that only you can feel happening inside of you. The thing that tells you there's a life growing inside you, that ties you with the child you're carrying, that creates the special bond between a mother and her child. How do you ignore it and decide to get rid of it?

I wonder what happens after an abortion? Do you remember the child or do you just close the chapter and move on? My mother has lost two children, a daughter born prematurely who died after 2 weeks, and an early trimester miscarriage. Even though she has 10 other children, I know she still remembers and prays for the children she has lost. To the rest of us, they're just what might have been, but never were. But to her, they have created their own identities for the short time they shared her body. She knew them as others never did and will never do. I hope it's the same with the women who (have to) choose abortion over motherhood, that they will continue to cherish the memory of the children they have lost.

i tried to post something last night, but blogger was down for maintainance and wouldn't let me do anything. let see if i can recall most of what i wrote:

i apologize if anyone feel insulted by my writings here. i don't mean to be insulting, these are all my thoughts that sometimes get voiced out and sometimes don't. the ones that don't get voiced out are usually the ones i figure would offend people, which is why i put them here instead of saying them to people's faces. cowardice? maybe. but i think i'm trying to be accomodating, or subtle.

hmm.... on second thought, i take the last bit back, somehow 'me' and 'sublety' just don't go together.

can't seem to remember what else i wrote, i knew there was more. oh, well.

i was wondering, how can you get married and not let people know about it? people meaning your friends or those who used to be your friends. does it not feel weird to meet them, then just, oh, so casually mention, "by the way, i got married a few months ago, so how's life treating you?" totally random, man.

i need to go down to medford, visit the city hall and fill my prescription. but i'm so not going there when it is raining.

tarawih or tarawikh? i know a few other stfians who spell it tarawikh, so maybe it's a general mistake made by people from my school. 'coz zaid says it's tarawih.

huma came across this blog last night and she started one herself. i think it'll be fun to see what she'll be writing about and i do hope she gets into the habit of writing regularly soon.

ramadhan is going on well so far. we've managed to wake up for sahur at 4 am since the very first day. tonight's the first time i went to tarawih though, i usually have classes and work at night.

the birthday cards that my family sent me finally arrived. it's kinda creepy to see the card from my sister, because her handwriting is so similar to mine. it made me feel like i received a card from myself.

i'm beginning to feel really uneasy about this whole thing between hana and huma. huma wants hana to quit smoking, and hana seems to keep trying to, except that she only does it halfheartedly. she's not even that heavy of a smoker, and she should be able to stop in just a few days if she really wants to. i guess it's partly her fault, but then the way huma keeps pressuring her can also make her feel rebellious. you know, some people just don't want to be told what they should do. anyway, hana lets me keep her cigarettes so that i'd be able to help her regulate her smoking habit. i hope and i hope, she'll be able to stop this time.

i had a really bad dream this morning. i dreamt that i got told off by dato' syed ghazali (the ambassador) for not doing well in school and for spending too much time on the icc projects. scared me out of sleep, it did. it's true, i haven't been doing well in school, but i wouldn't attribute it to my involvement with msat and icc as much as i would to my own procrastination and stupidity. the dream really freaked me out.

so far, i've been keeping up with this semester's work. but past the halfway point is the real crucial time. that's when all the work start to come in loads. i'm trying really hard, but i don't know what will happen in the end. my usual problem is with papers. i hate writing papers, but with ir as my major, that's mostly what the classes are all about. the ironies of life.

i love today, such nice weather. not sunny, but still nice. windy, but not chilly, and moist, but not really wet or humid. i love it.

we went to taco bell to get bean burritos, but we came back with two huge packages of food. mac and cheese, potato wedges, and mashed potato. the lady gave us free food coz otherwise they're just gonna get thrown out. it was really nice of her.

huma let me drove her car on the way back from taco bell. oh, yeah. zaid and i are both using her car for our driving tests, so i guess we need to get used to it. it's pretty sweet actually, the car. silver jetta with all these fancy stuff. i drove usman's car earlier, but only from porter back to tufts. i guess he didn't trust me with parking yet, to let me drove from isb to starmarket. i suck at lot's parking. my parallel parking jobs are much better.

well, ramadhan is here. we plan to wake up at four tomorrow for sahur and subuh. hopefully that will happen and continue to happen for the rest of the month. we're gonna have iftars everyday as well. i might have to cook for thursday's iftar if i can't find any student group to sponsor the iftar that day. i really don't want to do an iftar so soon, especially if it is on weekdays.

i was woken up this morning by our respected msat president, so that i could go to the boston council meeting as a representative from tufts. how thoughtful of him :P anyway, i woke up (no doubt a bit grudged) and got ready in the half hour that i had before usman came pick me up. and then i was told that the boston council meeting was not till another hour and a half, but we were going early because the committee members of the council had another meeting beforehand. eeeeeigh. i wanted to walk to central square and kill some time shopping, but apparently it's a 20-minute walk from isb to central. ergh. so there i was, with nothing to do and no one i knew around. what else to do but start calling people on the phone right?

alhamdulillah, the paul findley lecture went pretty well. i wasn't very optimistic about the turn out for the event, but apparently we had more than 100 people there tonight. i'm glad it went really well. the lecture itself could have been better, but in terms of the number and dynamic of the audience and their responses to his lecture, everything was fine. now that this lecture is finally out of the way, we can now concentrate on the more pressing matter of raising fund for the islamic center.

considering that it's going to be ramadhan tomorrow, we all went out tonight to hang out. because a few people in our circle of friends refuse to go out during ramadhan, not to mention that it tends to get really hectic for the month what with iftars and tarawih and the regular schoolwork. we went to have dinner at this really nice afghan restaurant called the helmand and then we went to jillian's to play pool. muz had a friend visiting from chicago with him. i'm sorry to say this here, but his friend is kind of cute. not to die for good looking, but nice to look at homely face. and nice voice. and that particular body part that i love to look at, very cute. mm-phm. pity he's only here for a couple of days.

hana hates sharon osbourne. but i love her show. she is so cute, and so damn hilarious also. she gets away no matter how scandalous the things she does on her show. last night she had that guy, what his name, the one from mutant x, victor webster or something stripped for her and in bed with her. you gotta watch the show, it's just so damn hilarious. hana calls her dirty, perveted old bitch. but hey, she's a damn lucky one.

Aicha
By: Outlandish
Bread & Barrels Of Water

So sweet, so beautiful
Everyday like a queen on her throne
Don't nobody knows how she feels
Aicha, Lady one day it will be real

She moves, she moves like a breeze
I swear I can't get her out of my dreams
To have her shining here by my side
I'd sacrifice all the tears in my eyes

Aicha Aicha - passing me by (there she goes again)
Aicha Aicha - my my my (is it really real)
Aicha Aicha - smile for me now
Aicha Aicha - in my life

She holds her child to her heart
Makes me feel like she is blessed from above
Falls asleep underneath her sweet tears
Her lullaby fades away with his tears

She needs somebody to lean on
Someone body, mind & soul
To take her hand, to take her world
And show her the time of her life, so true
Throw the pain away for good
No more contemplating boo

Lord knows the way she feels
Everyday in His name she begins
To have her shining here by my side
I'd sacrifice all the tears in my eyes
Aicha Aicha - ecouté moi

Consulate General and MSD's visit

my favourite sound for the moment is linkin park's numb.

huma invites me to her home in new jersey for thanksgiving break. muz has also invited us all there for eid. i've been given the responsibility of convincing "all of them fools" to drive down over the break. that's a pretty big responsibility, especially when i am also trying to convince the mentioned "fools" that they really want to go on a roadtrip to canada. mmphm.

i wanted to make ayam masak tomato but ended up with something i don't think i should feed to people for fear of inflicting indigestion on them. poor hana, she wanted to have some for dinner.

msat meeting is tonight; after which we are all going out for a movie with afsan. she's leaving for peru on friday and won't be back till january.

i have to invite several people over for brunch this weekend. it's the only weekend i can do so before ramadhan starts.

i don't know, i feel homesick all of a sudden.
i had labor econs midterm this morning. i tried to study last night, but it didn't quite work out as i planned. i ended up having dinner and going to starmarket with huma and usman instead. and then muz came over and i was done for. i tried to wake up early but ended up waking an hour before class. and so i went to have the midterm with only the briefest glance at my notebook. but alhamdulillah, i think i did ok. i got stuck at the 2nd question, but apparently most people did. i think i had last minute inspiration from above, which i'm definitely thankful for.
i definitely can't wait till this week is over. i have to resume my driving lessons with either diah or usman and i have to start looking into internships and writing resume and stuff. i also have tons of card to send to people. i guess i should start keeping an address book and actually make an effort to keep in touch with family and friends.
there's a ladybug on my window. that's the first one i've seen in the states. come to think about it, i have seen but one butterfly also. funny.
for the time being, i am but a poor soul. both my debit and credit cards are not working and i have only $25 on me. not to mention a few other credits: i owe huma $15, nida $8, and suhaimi $5. and usman a dinner. i hate owing people money, coz it's forever on my mind.

i am just so freaking tired. i don't think i can function properly yet, but going back to sleep is not an option since i've to take care of some stuff before meeting someone at 2:30.
we went to the lodge friday evening and came back yesterday evening. within that 24-hour period, i slept only an hour and napped for an hour on the ride back. the trip was very nice. we went on a 3-hour hike yesterday and man, i was so proud of myself that i actually survived. and so did everybody else. it was a very hectic 24-hour, but very nice. although i'm definitely not looking forward to do this often.

the sox lost. pity that, i was hoping they'd win and we'd get a state holiday or something (fat chance!).
abe yie's birthday was yesterday, i called him (woke him up too, hehehe) and we had a good chat. i miss him. i miss everyone at home, but especially him.
and i also miss diah. although she's been back for three days and we've talked on the phone everyday since, i have yet to see her in person. i hear she got herself a new look, fancy that. god knows i need one.
i've been trying to take care of how i dress each day, but now, well into the semester that we are, i just can't bother. i barely have time to sleep what more to spend precious minutes to dwell on what to wear. jeans, sweatshirts and sneakers; as long as i have these in my closet, i know i'm fine.
so much to do. paul findley's lecture is next week, and so is ramadhan. and so are my two midterms. darn. not to mention class project and the usual reading assignments. double darn.
my girl's back. later.

my birthday. a really good thing it falls on a holiday, makes it a lot more special than it really is, heh. i got a cd/dvd player from these guys last night. u-huh, very nice. but somehow, i feel a little undeserving. it's been a while since i last celebrated my birthday, so it kinda feel a little weird.

i hate winter. the dry skin i can handle. but as it gets colder approaching winter, breathing becomes really difficult for me. between the swollen nostril membranes and constantly bleeding nose, it becomes downright painful to breathe. afrin helps a lot, but it can't be used often. and the salt water doesn't help at all. even the nasal spray thing doesn't help. i wish there really is something i can do about it. but what?!?!

i don't know why i have this love-hate relationship with my siblings. we don't squable as often now as when we were little, but it still happens sometimes. my sister just told on me, and i don't particularly like her right now. but we still do favours for each other, most of the times just offering to do them without the other having to ask. it doesn't make any sense. i get extremely jealous of my youngest sister also, and she's only 6 years old. and i get extremely exasperated with my brother whenever i think he does immature things, although he's only 2 years younger than me. more often than not though, i realize that it is usually me who act unreasonably. i can get extremely bossy sometimes, and not caring if what i say hurt someone's feelings. i hate it when that happens, make me wish i can undo everything. but i can't, and it's all part of growing up. i guess i'm still in that stage where all that i-know-more-than-everybody-and-i-know-what's-best-and-i'm-always-right bullshit rules. i know, i deserve a good knocking on the head, but it seems that other people think i'm too old for it. it doesn't matter how old you are, your elders are always older than you, and that seems to be one thing a lot of people tend to forget.

i miss my cellphone at home. my panasonic gd55, so small and it's about the cutest thing you can get for yourself :(

finally got the printer working. the ink refill kits arrived this afternoon and i spent an hour between classes to figure out the how to's. next thing i have to work on is the vcr and the humidifier (yup, it's time to dig it out from storage).

ahaks! three hurrays for superkhan for turning on the heater, yeay! thank you usman for saving us from our impending doom (of dying of cold).

i was thinking about the flyers. one of the problems that the msat faces is in identifying potential members. in short, it is so hard to spot another muslim whom you can invite to join the group. sometimes it seems like people are trying very hard not to wear their muslim hats. you know how the queer people have their coming out events? well, i once suggested to my fellow msat president (then muz) that we should have a muslim coming out day. and to my disappointment, he laughed at me. dude, i thought it's a good idea, i still think it is. it's frustrating not to have any kind of data and statistics on the muslim students. i can't even say how many muslim students are at tufts. i was told there are about 150 of us. where'd the figure come from and how old is it, no one has any idea. grrr...

it is so freaking cold and yet they haven't turned on the heater. stupid tufts. is heat too much to ask for, considering we are now paying a 49-thousand-dollar tuition?!?!
the days went by so quickly. i was walking by the library steps yesterday and saw more interesting flyers. e.g: actors needed for 7 blowjobs. hmm... interesting.
someone just rang the doorbell. who the heck would come visit at 2:50 in the morning?
i can't seem to sleep tonight. might as well get used to it, usually it lasts through winter. one of the side-effects of cold weather, i think. others include nosebleed, dry and itchy skin and depression.
last night at the library, it stank of skunk. up in the media center, the smell was horrible. i actually considered declaring an emergency and just close early. heh, not that jen would have let me. but really, the smell was terrible, and we didn't have anywhere to run.
i bumped into a tour group on my way out of the chapel today. it's kinda funny, how the parents always look surprised, at the sight of me visiting the chapel. you know how the tour groups are always around everywhere, so i do bump into them almost every single day, minus the weekends. well, the chapel is where the chaplain's office is and where events like interfaith dialogue and bubs concert are held. being on msat board and icc tends to bring me to the chapel often. and now that father (or reverend) o'leary is teaching one of my classes, i do have to go there regularly. it does sound bad, come to think about it, i only visit the islamic center (which is downstairs in the basement) only 2-3 times a week. tsk tsk tsk...
darn, this is one long entry.