Ximar

to take up where i left off last time;

tuesday.
met up with anand at boston common, went to see return of the king (but i slept halfway through it). saw ubeida and his friend (whose name i forgot) there. huma called, and muz was there too, it felt weird having a three-person conversation over the phone. anand and i met up with zamir at penang afterwards. we also saw wan and this other chinese guy from mit whose name i could not recall.

wednesday.
dewi, diah, marlyne and i went to burlington mall. originally intended to get a haircut, but i chickened out. my hair is hopeless, nothing can be done to it. bought a new perfume, which made me really happy, cause i'm getting tired of the old one. went to barnes and nobles and wished we could have spent more time there. it was huge, and there were so many books, and so many people. but we had to drop diah off at central square, which we did, and while waiting for her, we spent more time at a bookstore in harvard square. it was fun, reminded me of the time when i was kid and could not get enough of reading. when did that stop happening?

thursday.
woke up late and spent the morning watching battleship gallactica with dewi. we dorks :) the rest of the day i spent on the couch, with a book in my lap, and tons of snacks on the table to keep me company. went to haruna's for christmas-themed dinner. the food was excellent, the company was marvelous. got acquainted with yusuke's cat, TJ, which resulted in me coughing the whole night, that cat sheds more hair than i do. watched the world idol, and had a really hard time trying to figure out who's not gay among the contestants (the nirvana guy and the norway guy, kurt). and of course, we had to play poker to polish our newfound skills, and i am proud to announce, i did not finish last.

friday.
can't believe it's only been a week. although dewi and diah have been nothing but excellent hosts, i do feel i need to get out of the house soon, shouldn't keep diah out of her room much longer. planning to go to new york on sunday, and stay at rafeya's. come back on wednesday, and spend new year in boston. go to huma's on the coming monday, and come back on thursday. after that, who knows what will happen.

hah! i was blog-surfing and came across this at kak dinna's:

Stories of Indonesia, told by a Malaysian.

she doesn't only write about indonesian, but malaysian culture (or pop culture) as well. so to fellow friends who are interested, here's a window where you can take a peep into my world.

i actually spent 5 hours at the library yesterday reading newspapers and magazines, updating myself on the going-ons in the world. pretty impressive for me, although i can barely recall what i read about. heh.

meeting anand today, yeay!

huma and usman left yesterday. marlyne arrived yesterday from shiang hai. all is well at dewi and diah's lil' abode. there's so much food at the house that i haven't been able to stop eating, plus they are both good cooks, so who am i to resist good, home-cooked meals? i guess i just have to suffer a few extra pounds while i'm staying with them :P

return of the king. easily the best movie i have seen this year. the graphics are good, with a few exceptions, and the casts are amazing, excluding the bisexual hobbits, frodo and sam, and the story flow is smooth, minus the ending. aragon in the movie, dewi and i agree, defines what a man should be like. that part when he walks towards the orks after jumping down from the ship - my, oh my. i will definitely see the movie again.

for the time being, while i'm staying at her house, diah has a private chauffeur to drive her around - one without a license that is =) it's nice to be driving again, although i'm definitely not that expert of a driver. plus, driving a manual feels so much better that driving an auto. but hey, who am i to complain. any car put in my way, i'll take it.

usman's leaving tomorrow, and he's inviting people over for dinner. that's nice of him.

a couple of teachers have posted our grades online. so far, so good. i really need to pull my gpa up. i screwed myself pretty good last year.

my room is so comfortable, can't believe i really have to move out today.

how can singing be wrong? i know some people argue that listening to songs can be melalaikan, but seriously, i don't think that's entirely true. you listen to these people who have been gifted with amazing voices, and you think of how great God's creations are. you listen to the songs and the words that are put together, and can't help but be thankful to God for giving a wonderful talent to these people who have written them. seriously, for all her other faults, christina aguilera has an amazingly beautiful voice, and how can you not appreciate it?

just like me putting my friend's brother's picture on my desktop, it's not infatuation, but appreciation of God's creation ;)

we packed the clothes that people have donated into boxes for usman to ship out tomorrow. went out to dinner with huma and usman at dhaba, and then went for dessert at cheesecake factory. good food, good company.

muz's leaving tomorrow morning. huma and i need to get out of the muslim house by noon. i have not packed yet, and am not in the mood to do so. will go to diah's house tomorrow and camped there for a couple of days. am also watching return of the king tomorrow.

my two housemates are going out together today, how cute is that? =) at least i'm glad to know that the muslim house can play some part in bringing people together *grin*

if you're a guy, don't come to me for girl's advice. on very rare occasions can i be helpful in that department. sorry.

yea, so we finally got around to watching the extended version of the two towers. going to watch return of the king on friday.

have also borrowed harry potter and the order of the phoenix from the library. it came in pretty quick actually, i placed the recall two days ago. plan to read it at least three times during the break. i've finished reading harriet the spy. it's sad how my IQ is so retarded i have to stick to reading children's books.

moving out day on friday. kinda scared actually that i don't have any plans yet. talked to nida this evening, there is a slight chance that i might be able to go to nyc after all. she's staying there at her cousin's, and doesn't mind me coming over. just have to figure out when, and work around her schedule.

zaid's leaving in an hour. going to drop him off at the airport with huma.

it's scary how much time i spend with huma each day.

road test scheduled for january 6th at 1pm in watertown.

today i was told that i am both rude and mean. well, i can be those sometimes, i apologize. no harm meant though, that was just me showing my affection the retarded way, like idiots usually do.

amir left this evening. he was funny. he was running late to the airport and was freaking out. he could not sit still in the car nor could he stay quiet. funny amir sahab. always proper, but never dull.

huma's admitted to umdnj (no idea what it stands for, but know it's close to philly). i'm glad for her, that's one less thing for her to worry about. yeay, huma! you're a smart cookie too.

i'm staying with the bramono sisters for a while this weekend till i figure out what to do for the rest of the break. i really want to just jump on a train or a plane and go somewhere by myself, but do i really have the gut to do just that?

had dinner at pasta pisa with mr. suhaimi, it's nice to see him again, it's been a while. need to call anand and set up a date for dinner. i haven't seen him in two months.

finally settled the $8 that i owed nida. you have no idea how relieved i am to get that out of the way, it's been weighing on my mind for the past year. she left today, nida, for new york. after that she's going to panama for a month. and then come back to the states and off to uk to spend next semester there. hope everything goes well for her.

i don't know what else to write.

oh, yes. i can feel this knot on my back, and i just wish i can get rid of it. hana's not here, she knows how to pull my shoulders back and relieve the tension. huma has refused to step on my back, and that's usually the next best thing. it sucks to have to sleep with your back killing you :(

i left one of my pillows in huma's room and she's already sleeping :( this is the first time in ages i actually feel sleepy at 2 in the morning.

last night safi stopped by, and he brought us a few things from his umrah trip. we each got the travelling prayer mat and a small box of seedless dates with almond - which i've been craving for for months. i haven't seen them anywhere here in boston. thank you, safi, so much.

i have to wake nida up in 5 minutes. after that i think i'm going straight to sleep, it's very rare that i'd feel this sleepy so early.

it's snowing. when i was outside at 2:30pm, it wasn't yet, and i was kinda hoping it wouldn't, eventhough the weather guy said it would. guess that's too much to ask for.

i'm not quite sure what to do with myself. still have to finish up the project for e-government class, but tom and i are just passing the final documents between ourselves and editing them. not much left, i think we'll be done by tonight. then he can zip everything up and send it to the professors.

i got to hold a baby today. i miss taking care of babies. i like kids better when they are all helpless than when they have learned how to talk and start answering back. i'm going to have a lot of kids but only keep them till they're 2 or 3. after that, i'll kick them out of the house or something. yea, maybe i should do just that.

muz asked me if i wanted to come with him to a holiday dinner program for foster kids. i went (seriously, i could not think of a better way to waste my time). it was kind of fun, we turned down the offer to dress up as mickey and minnie ( imagine how many kids would have nightmares about minnie wearing headscarf ;) ) and tabled instead. no matter what muz said, i did help kids decorate their stars and snowflakes and i definitely was not the one eating pizza and cookies. and if it was not me, who else could it be?

went to see the last samurai last night. it's a generally good movie, but they definitely could have done more research for the whole story i believe. the japanese actors are really amazing. that guy who plays kazumoto, is awesome. he's definitely a scene-stealer.

today, huma and i spent 5 hours at the wrentham village. and there, i had another bout of allergic reaction. fortunately, this is the shortest one yet. but it was enough to make me feel miserable.

am right now in huma's room, watching the chocolate factory movie. i have never watched it before, or had a chance to read the book. i've always wanted to though, roald dahl's books are so full of brilliant imaginations. i think it was miss raha who made us read 'the witches', and introduced me to the wonder of dahl's world.

people really do what you expect them too, so be careful.

hana's gone. she left yesterday, with jonah. i hope they have fun whatever it is they decide to do.

personally, i don't think i'm a very intellectual person. (quite honestly, i'm not even sure how to use the word, heh.) i can't carry an intelligent conversation or discussion with anyone. when people start talking about all this 'big' things, i just stay quiet, or as politely as i can, leave.

this all just stemmed up from huma telling me that my blog entries make me sound so 'intellectual'. but when i talk, she said, the illusion shatters. great, is there a way to do interviews with IMs instead of going in person to meet people?

i had my second attempt at making chicken briyani today. it went well enough until i realized i only had one cup of rice for something that was originally intended to go with four cups of rice. what a spoiler.

done with econ exam. i felt like it went pretty well, there was just one problem i wasn't sure how to do, so i just made a lot of assumptions to solve it. hopefully that'd still generate a few points.

usman - $13
diah - $17
dewi - $20/$30
nida - $8

... and you wonder where'd all my money go...

so now i am no longer hungry, but obviously still procrastinating :P

apparently, according to usman, diah is not a real student because she doesn't have to take any classes. so, diah, any comment on this?

of course, i just find it hilarious.

i am supposed to be studying, but right now i am just too hungry to think about anything else but food. i kind of said to huma that we'd order together, so being the nice friend that i am (unlike certain people :P), i'm going to have to wait. plus, i don't really want to leave halligan in search of food, what happens if i get locked out? i don't know anyone in here, so who's going to let me in? so wait i do, for another hour before missy mahmood comes back from her meeting.

i believe the NQR went uneventful enough. i haven't heard of anything that went crazy, and they had everyone from student volunteers to cops to monitor the run. there were cops checking traffic at every entrance to the uphill campus to make sure no one from outside taking advantage of the event.

i wasn't being very productive today. i finished an overdue paper and handed that in. i still need to finish up a bit of my hindi final and hand that in tomorrow. then i have to focus on the big exam on thursday. after that, i will need to get back to the website project and start writing up the report on that. hopefully by sunday it will all be done. i think i have had enough of school for this semester.

i really want to go somewhere else for the winter break. i am getting tired of spending all my winters in boston. but i have no idea where to go. sometimes i rather wish i can just jump on a train and let it take me to an unknown destination where i can just wander around and enjoy myself. if anyone ever thinks of doing such a tour, please let me know.

i called home again tonight. my parents say that they are finally going to move to a new house this month. of course, me being me - forever resisting big changes, am not happy with the new place. i don't want to leave the house i grew up in. i love our neighbourhood, everyone within 150 meters of my house are relatives - close and distant. we are conveniently located, not too close to the city, but close enough to get there in 15 minutes with public transportation (malaysian style). one of my brothers, nabil, has told my parents that he is going to stay in the house eventhough everyone else have moved, but that he would come over during meal times. how convenient :P

my sister is pressing my mom to take her to the bank. she wants to send her duit raya to me so i can buy a ticket to go home for hari raya. how thoughtful and sweet of her, and she's only six and a half. but then i guess her age is what makes her so thoughtful, the rest of my siblings who have grown up within my care are definitely not that appreciative of me ;) my youngest sister has had the luck of growing in my absence.

they finally cleared the snow off the library steps, thank god. yesterday, people had to hold the railing and literally pull themselves up the steps. they have cleared most of the quad too, in anticipation of the naked quad run. i am so glad i don't have to work at the media center tonight, last year we had several loose naked runners in the library. tonight is the night to stay inside your own room if you are not going to celebrate handling exam stress the naked way.

this is the week where everywhere you go on campus you see people walking as if they're in dreamland still - eyes all glazed over, barely focusing on anything around them.

huma's in new jersey, doing her interviews. i hope she does well, i'm pretty confident she will.

from now until next monday, whoever wants to feed me is more than welcome to. i will not have the time to cook, nor the money to spend to order in. no act of kindness is ever wasted, especially when you're feeding a half-senile student who is starving during final exam week.

i am so freaking tired. i just want to talk to someone and cry, get all this tears out of my system.

my grandmother's house is finally going to be flatten out today. they are planning to build a row of shops on the land. better investment they say, but i'm not so sure it is. the old house has so many memories behind it. it's been standing there for more than six decades, has been a witness to so many events and lives. i'm going to miss it.

usman put his thanksgiving pictures online. check it out.

question: how can there be no bad picture of amir and usman? how do some people get too be so damn lucky? seriously!

last night i had a dream - no, call it a nightmare. i dreamt that someone was trying to kill me. i couldn't tell who that someone was, or if it was a he or a she, but i'm gonna assume it's a he. i sure hope there's no girl out there who would want to kill me. i'm definitely not the kind of girl to turn someone's boyfriend's head around.

so anyway, i was being killed in my dream. this person was pinning me to his side under one arm and his elbow was pushing deep into my chest, right under my breastbone, so i couldn't breathe. i remember feeling so desperate, his size and the way he was holding me made it impossible to reach out and hit him, or even to move. i was really frustrated, feeling trapped and not being able to do anything about it. and that feeling of not being able to breathe, is horrible. i hate it. this feels like a dejavu, i must have written something similar a while back.

i hate not being able to breathe. i hate to lie down on the bed and find the pillow is too flat, because it makes breathing hard for me. i hate wearing so many layers of clothes because they make me feel smothered. i hate using a scarf or zipping my jacket all the way up to my chin in the winter. i hate wearing the seatbelt in the car because it strapped my chest. i hate being too deep in the water because it creates pressure against my chest. i hate it when people put the heater on for high and it gets too hot in the car. i hate it when it gets too hot in the summer because it's harder to breathe then. i hated it when my mom used to put vicks vaporub on my chest.

i'm very sensitive to anything that affects my breathing, ever since i was in elementary school. my dad used to get really annoyed with me, for complaining about not being able to sleep at nights. my mom took me to see a doctor, and he suggested that i was too fat that the fat in my chest was cramping my heart (at least that's the way i understood it). i hated the doctor for that, i still do.

it has started to snow finally, winter is officially here.

i finished the draft for my religion and ir class. went out shopping (any excuse not to do work, i'll grab it. i'm not known for my self-control) with dewi and diah, bought a much needed sweater and two shirts on the side. went to dhaba afterwards for dinner, since usman told diah that they serve halal mutton dishes there. but much to our disappointment, they didn't. so, fish masala it was for dinner, our regular.

btw, dewi guessed whose face is decorating my desktop right now and she was right. and there went my five bucks.

i'd give five bucks to whoever can guess who has made it to my desktop this week, without looking or cheating. one guess per person. go people!

my hair looks retarded.

the road not taken - robert frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

i'm not much into poetry and poems myself, was introduced to the one above in our english class at ppp. d had something on her blog about how people stay the same the more they try to change. and that when they do change, it's usually so subtle a change that only they can feel it happening inside them. you know how they were always talking about paradigm shifts in high school? cik rosnah and her anjakan paradigma! well, nothing of the sort ever happen to me. nope, no major or minor intellectual revolution. i sometime end up taking the road that i otherwise would not have taken, and later on, reflect back and think, do i regret my decision? most of the times, i do. i regret so many things in my life already, short as it is. and i'm scared to look into the future, but i have to. i can't just live in the present. i don't have any goals, but i try to see what possibilities and opportunities lie in front of me. i know i'm not a good person. amir and noureddine talk about how before they go to sleep, they always reflect back on their day and feel that they've done the best they can. i lie on my bed at night and worry about what i have left incomplete.

i cut my own hair, hopefully it won't look so bad.

there's a baby in the eaton lab and she's crying. guess she's not too happy being in a college this early in her life.

i give up my evening shifts at the media center so that i can devote my time to studying and finishing up project and papers.

today started really bad for me. i was at the media center by myself, and it was crazy. classes to set up, computers to set up, labs to open, and the phone was ringing off the hook. it was madness. prof. zeller wasn't very happy with me, i think, but then i don't like her too, so there. it seemed like not only richard, but the professors were also running late, because of the traffic caused by just a thin sheet of snow. totally unexpected. the rest of the day went peaceful enough, only it's a lot colder than yesterday.

it's funny how you associate certain things with people. like the smell of this particular air freshener that reminds me of amet's house in cleveland. nickelback's song, how you remind me, reminds me of someone who used to be a friend. elephant reminds me of ijerq. puding roti reminds me of my cousin, fatin. random things, random memories.

a bunch of 8-year old girls and... their wannabe? ;) sorry usman, can't resist.

picture edited from diah's album.

i see snow outside. eurgh.

huma's so nice. she got herself, hanna and i a calendar book each. that's sooo sweet of her. although the book is by anne geddes and there are some really disturbing pictures in it. sorry huma ;)

yea, yea.. i know i'm suppose to be asleep.

i'm so tired, and it wasn't even that long of a day. tomorrow is definitely going to be worse.

there's this one thing that's been bugging me for a while, and i don't know who to talk to. can't think of anyone who i'd be comfortable to talk to about this sort of things.

i'm done for. gonna turn in for the night.

this one is for muz,
"a friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else."
- unknown

in case people haven't noticed :P, i've changed the template to this blog. this one is from blogskins, called phoenix, by killerwave. i kinda liked it at first, but now i'm not so sure anymore. but then, i'm too lazy to make any more changes. takes too much effort and time.

if anyone care, i've added the counter thing, the guestbook, and a few more links. i still have to work on the archive page, but that's not going to happen anytime soon.

oh! and also, this page turns out different depending on your browser. it looks really cool on internet explorer, but i edited the template to fit mozilla. so the dimension's a bit off on ie.

i've always been a firm believer that love doesn't just happen, that it has to be pursued and nurtured.

so then, love at first sight? nope. definitely not, if it's the romantic love that we're talking about. you can fall in love with a baby the first time you see it drooling on the parent's shoulder, but you don't fall in love the first time you set your eyes on the girl across the street. you can fall in love with a dress or a shirt the first time you see it displayed behind a glass window, but you don't fall in love with a guy the first time you see him walking into a roomful of people at a party. what happens in the latter is called an attraction. you become attracted to another person when you see him, or her. you realize that somehow, given time, there exists a possibility of you falling in love with that person. And if you pursue the so called attraction, it will eventually turn into the romantic feeling known as love.

now where is all this going? i have no idea. God knows i've been attracted to enough males to last me a lifetime (hmm... i thought most people just need one *grin*). i do know better of course that to put on a hot pursuit or to hope that the attraction is mutual. most of them just went through what i call the crush cycle. most of the rest disappeared just as soon they appeared. i just suddenly feel that i need to reaffirm my stand in this whole attraction and love deal. there's just one in particular that seems to be really hard to fight off.