Ximar

do i like to hear compliments or no? i wanna say no, but it's not exactly true. but if i say yes, it's still not entirely true either. it depends on what the compliment is on, i guess. if someone compliments me on my appearance, then it pleases me (although i've been insisting that i dress to please myself, not others. oh well, as long as in the end, i still feel pleased, who cares if it also pleases others). if i feel like i've done a really hard work, then it pleases me to hear someone compliment me when they see the outcome. but if i feel like i haven't really done much, if it's just a simple job, then i feel uncomfortable if anyone compliments me. if someone compliments me on my spoken english, i usually shut up, stop talking almost immediately. if i try to talk, my english will be all jumbled up and heavily accented from being nervous of knowing someone is paying close attention to my speech. if i think about it carefully, i feel uncomfortable with compliments from strangers (like a dude who comes up to you on the street and says, you're pretty or you smell nice. err... yea... thanks... i think) and highly appreciates compliments from people who know me well (like when muz says, you look nice. aaaw, thanks muzzy!) those people who also would not hesitate to pass criticism from time to time when i need to be reminded of where and who i am.

i know the lizzie mcguire movie isn't much of a movie, but that song in it, the ballad version of what dreams are made of, is a tremendously beautiful song. i just wish they could have made that song longer. as it is, i have to keep playing it twice or thrice before i'm satisfied.

Some nations cannot achieve successful democracy and separation of "Church" and "Parliament" because they believe in rule-of-religion and not rule-of-law enacted by elected lawmakers. Unfortunately, some democracies support these theocracies for political reasons. Rebuilding a nation needs capitalism and free-market, which needs democracy. So, till religious law is replaced by law made in parliament, no nation can be rebuilt.
Atanu Lahiri, Rochester, NY - USA

"it's supposed to be summer, it's may 22nd!" - abby, my new housemate

seriously, she is right. it feels like 45 degrees here in the house. when will it ever be consistently warm? i've either sprained my foot or pulled a muscle the wrong way because it hurts so much to walk. what i need to do is put weight off the foot, which isn't gonna happen anytime soon. i just hope it'll be gone by next weekend, don't wanna go rafting with a bad foot. that certainly won't be much fun.

my whole body aches, it hurts even to laugh or sneeze. my poor muscles, they're just not used to exercises. watched mr and mrs iyer. it's pretty good, but i had hoped they could have broaden the scope a little bit, the camera's too focused on the characters and rarely explores what surrounds them. apparently though, that's how the director, aparna sen, had wanted it. richard told me that bollywood people threw a party for 700 at the cannes festival. pretty good way to attract attention of the french, eh. i don't disagree about the silliness and unworthiness of a lot of bollywood movies. but people have got to realize, if the industry thrives despite many critiques, there has got to be something worthy of exploration. one more thing that many people don't realize is that bollywood movies are not the only kind of movies produced by india. there's another stream of cinema, the art cinema, that features a totally different side of the coin. amazing directors like satyajit ray, mrinal sen, ritwik ghatak. the line between the two has become somewhat shaded over the years. with the emergence of directors like mani ratnam, is very heartening to see excellent movies that appeal to both the masses and the critiques. you should see kandukondain kandukondain or bombay. simply superb. or dil se for that matter, excellent cinematography.

don't feel like writing much. it's been a relatively different week than it is usually. a lot of moving around, meeting new faces, sleeping in different beds. sunday was graduation day, went to see afsan and safi walking. first time i've been to a graduation ceremony, didn't really liked it. i don't think i would go to mine when and if the time comes. monday was official move out day, but i stayed at huma's place because i didn't have access to my summer sublet yet. we took muz out to penang for a surprise birthday celebration. that was nice. then we went to revere beach to hang out (would have gone bowling, but the place closed early). funniest thing happened there. afsan started wrestling with muz, then the guys started forming teams and wrestling each other. then they had running match, which i joined in but quitted half way. then we played tag, and my team won. then we went home smelling like sweat. that was the most fun i've had in ages. tuesday i got settled in my new room in my new house for the summer. the room's pretty spartan, it only has the basic essentials, i.e. mattress, desk, desk lamp, floor lamp. since i'm only gonna be here for a little more than a month, i'll live. wednesday, today, summer session officially starts. started working at media center again. my intro to ir class will start tomorrow. i emailed the prof on monday and he told me that i can't skip class. which basically means, i can't go to indiana this weekend *wail* $!%$@^%!$^# i've been looking forward to the trip for ages, it came as a huge disappointment. huma was trying to convince me that it really is a blessing in disguise, but really! i'm not gonna talk about it anymore. people can have fun just fine without me. sob, sob.

today's my official "shitty" day. we moved all of huma's stuff to her summer sublet and boy, she has a lot of shit. then we moved my stuff into jehan's basement where they'll hopefully stay for the rest of the summer. i still have some shit that needs to come with me when i move on monday. that'll be another "shitty" day. three suitcases, two boxes and a desktop.

my girl huma's back, yeay!!! we went to see matrix reloaded at the commons. man, "reloaded" didn't even come close. the whole theater was full, almost every movie was sold out. they kept everyone out of the theater no matter how early they came and only started to let people in ten minutes before their movies started. pretty crazy out there. the movie was pretty cool. i hate the start of it and thought they spent a lot of time on unnecessary scenes. it could have been half an hour shorter. and why is it that every man's downfall have to be a woman? love that part where that guy says cursing in french is like "wiping your arse with silk".priceless.

spent the whole morning figuring out how my insurance works and who's on the network. not fun at all. finally purchased ticket to go to indiana next week. apparently shawn's from around there too, so stacy asked him if there's any place i should go while i'm there. he said not to leave the purdue campus, no matter what i do. now, where's the fun in that? hai la.

i've just realized what wonderful friends i have. just wanna holler out thanks. so yea, thanks!

i was treated in er for three hours for hives and syncopal episode (otherwise known as swooning). approximately two hours after my last entry, i was in davis sq. running some errands. i was coming out from my first stop, the post office, when i felt the hives. boy, they came out with a vengeance. all within a few minutes. there was no way i could have stayed in davis and finished the errands, so i walked home as quickly as possible. once home, i popped an anti-histamine in my mouth, shed off everything i had on and quickly jumped into the shower. i thought it would help, but i was wrong. i ran out of the shower, threw on my pajamas, a sweater with a hood (no time for tudung anymore) and started walking to health services. i was starting to feel dizzy and my chest felt tight, so i took a shortcut and ran the rest of the way. once inside, i only had the chance to ask the receptionist if i could see anyone right away and tried taking my id from my wallet when she asked for the number. next thing i knew, i was lying on the floor and there were about five to seven people around me, one of them were holding both of my legs up. i've never felt so weird my whole life. i couldn't even describe what i was feeling. i couldn't stop crying and couldn't talk eventhough i heard and understood everything they were talking about and asking. got a couple shots and iv into my veins there. i couldn't stop shaking for another hour, a result from the epipen they gave me. apparently, they had call 911 and there were also paramedics and firefighters there. don't ask me what the firemen were doing there, maybe they thought i'm some kind of suicide bomber? no? but anyway, i got to ride the ambulance and was taken to the er. they poked and prodded me, did blood test and urine test and kept me for a few hours just to monitor my condition. huma and diah are out of states, so i couldn't call them. i didn't remember any of the girls at mu's numbers. i couldn't get in touch with afsan. i certainly wasn't gonna call one of the guys over. finally, i called huma to let someone know what happened to me and where i was. the nurse at health services called and convinced me to let her call usman to let him know i'd need a ride when i got out. huma being the dear soul she is, called katrina and usman and asked them to keep me company at the hospital. i have never felt so glad like i did when i saw them. i thought i would be able to get out by eight, but the doctor said the health services' nurse wanted me to stay overnight. i wasn't about to that, no way. three hours were enough torture. so they had me signed some papers and gave me steroid (i prolly should start working out, eh) and more water before they let me out. we drove to cvs next and after spending a fortune (cost more than $100 even with insurance coverage), i am now a proud owner of epipen. life couldn't be more exciting. my heartbeat is still a little too fast, and i'm still a bit shaky, prolly from steroid. afsan's sleeping over, just in case anything happens. i can't thank god enough, i was really lucky i got out of my room when i did. otherwise, i would have passed out in my room or in the shower without anyone noticing. the whole thing felt silly, but it could have been dangerous especially since i have no idea what i'm allergic to. now i have to see an allergist and i'm keeping my fingers crossed that the insurance gonna cover it. i can't afford to spend anymore money.

street sweeper. lawn mowwer. leaf buzzer. screeching car. wailing baby. drunk person. i can hear everything from my room. i can't say how much it annoys me, all this sound pollution. the solution is simple enough, closing the windows turns my room into a soundproof space. unfortunately, it also decreases the humidity in the room and makes my nose hurt like hell. costs and benefits conflict.

Ku Cari Damai Abadi

Aku cari bukan harta bertimbun timbun
Untuk hidup kaya
Aku cari bukan wang berjuta-juta
Untuk hidup bergaya
Aku cari bukan kawan-kawan
Untuk hidup sekadar berfoya-foya
Aku cari mana dia Al-Ghazali
Aku cari mana dia Al-Shafie
Kita bongkar rahsia kitab suci
Cari panduan
Kita bongkar rahsia sunnah nabi
Cari pedoman
Aku hidup kerana Dia Rabbi
Dialah teman
Dialah wali
Dia mencukupi
Aku hidup bererti
Menikmati damai abadi.

Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi

first shower in two days. tell me if i can get anymore disgusting. but hey, at least i didn't get into contact with another human being, so no one had to suffer. it sure feels good to be clean though. come to think about it, i like water. i usually spend more time in the shower than i do in front of the mirror. once showered, it can take me only five to ten minutes to get ready. but if anyone come to fetch me before i've showered, better be prepared to spend the hour waiting. every single person in my family does that, except mi madre. imagine that and imagine us having only two bathrooms at home, one of which only my parents get to use. everytime i get into the bathroom, i have to listen to someone banging on the door every five minutes telling me to hurry up. it's almost like a music that's part of your bathing ritual. it's funny, but it's part of home. here, i share one bathroom with only one other girl. the only music i hear is myself singing out of tune.

i really wanna watch that old hindi movie, aa gale lagja. or andaz, the non-mehboob khan's one. any other shashi or shammi kapoor movie would also do.

the rain sounds comforting. i spent the day watching brotherhood of the wolf and contact. pretty interesting movies. huma left this afternoon, devorath and shioban just came back. the house's not empty at all, but everyone's doing their own thing. i can't do any work, i need to get away from this place for a while.

this past month, seriously, that pil chi-kit teck aun has done me more service than any soul on earth. god bless the old mama for having the foresight to stash tons of it in my suitcase before i left home. happy mother's day to the dearest lady in my life.

i have had less than six hours of sleep in the past, 42 hours? and i'm having trouble falling asleep. glad that exams were finally over. it's far from the end for me though. still have to write a short paper which is due on monday and i have an incomplete to work with over the summer. what a mess. went out to dinner for the last time with the icc folks. we went to this moroccan - middle eastern restaurant in inman square. it wasn't an impressive place nor was the food there to die for (mighty expensive though). so at first i was wondering what we were doing there. and then the owner showed us to our table, we went around this corner and voila! a petite lady was dancing her belly out. no wonder la usman chose that place. boys.... eurgh.

my midwest games dilemma:
nak gi, memang nak gi. reasons nak pergi - nak jumpa balik kawan2 yg dah lama tak jumpa dan memang tak kan ada kesempatan nak jumpa kecuali bila ada majlis mcm nih, nak jumpa kawan2 yg dah nak grad, nak rasa suasasa ke'malaysia'an jap, nak jalan2 tgk tempat org, nak amik brg yg amet nak kirim balik malaysia, nak tgk seorg hamba Allah nih main basketball, dan kalu ada can nak join main apa2 sekali sebab dah lama tak main apa2. apa yg menghalang dari nak pergi - nak jimat duit, summer kelas starts may 21, miss hanging out ngan knk2 kat sini (jgn ah gi whitewater rafting that weekend), and nak gi graduation knk2 kat sini. nak senang cerita, ada two sets of people i wanna be with at the same time that weekend. mcm ada dua pakwe and dua2 org ajak temankan gi shopping. dah mcm mana?

i've managed to screw up my grades pretty good this semester (haan, haan... i've a foul mouth, but then if you don't have to listen to me, why care. just read!). i'm so disappointed with myself. last semester i did very well in all my classes i thought i was becoming a better student. but i guess not. still am a lazy arse. or maybe i'm just not a spring-semester person. yeah, right? when nothing else works, always blame the wheather. it's the cause of all depression and tension.

i'm pretty impressed with myself. went to bed at eight and am already up at eleven. have an exam in an hour. there'll be heck to pay later this afternoon.

the govt. is very keen on amassing statistics.... they collect them, add them, raise them to the nth power, take the cube root and prepare wonderful diagrams. but you must never forget that every one of these figures comes in the first instance from the village watchman, who just puts down what he damn pleases.

sir josiah stamp

strikes me as funny. put layers and layers of icing on dung, in the end it might look like a regular cake after all.

i'm the one who makes my life miserable and i'm gonna have to be the one to make it all better. everyone stumbles every once in a while right? just gotta learn to pick yourself up and move forward again.but when does once in a while become one time too many, i wonder?

had dinner at islamic center, was really nice, reminiscence of ramadhan iftars. went to hally, did hindi till three thirty, called the police for escort then came back home. tomorrow, gotta tackle macroecons. escapes me how i can like microecons so much but hate macroecons as equally.

X2 is awesome. i'm pretty surprised that they introduced a lot of new characters but killed only one or two. was disappointed that seth green wasn't in it, i kinda forgot that the toad already died in the first movie... heheh... he looks so cute in the italian job's preview. ah, i also saw shaolin soccer's preview. can't wait to go home and watch it. it's been a long time since i got a good laugh from watching stephen chiau. aite, bedtime now. pray i don't forget my review session tomorrow.

thanks! after all the hugs, and phone calls and decent sleep, i woke up this morning feeling more like my old self and with more enthusiasm to face the world. i blasted the music in my room and started dancing right ater i woke up till huma dragged me to halligan. going to olive branch in an hour for dinner (i'm about to expire of hunger, i only had a croissant earlier). free dinner mind you, we had gift certificates from the fundraising event the other day. afterwards, it's to the movie we are going, to watch x-men. another hurray! and after that it's back to good ol' hally to study. yap, yap, yap.

ooh la la... new minesweeper record : 80 seconds! darn, but i'm good (at wasting my time, most definitely).

it seriously feels like the beginning of summer. where the heck did spring go?

i haven't done laundry for almost three weeks, the result being i have nothing to wear. vyshali temporarily saved me a few days ago. she graduated and left boston for good, and left some of her clothes (and her papasan, yeay!) for me. so i've been wearing her clothes for the past two-three days. but now i seriously have nothing else to wear. so hopefully i'll wake up early tomorrow and can do my laundry or else i just have to ransack huma's closet and see if she has anything to spare.

"Two Points For Honesty"
- guster

If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all
I want to be where I've never been before
I want to be there and then I'd understand
Know I'm right and do it right, could I get to be like that
I'll know what I don't know with nothin more to gain
Will I get better or stay the same
I find I always move to slowly
Can't lift a finger, can't change my mind
I never knew till someone told me that...
If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all
And all the people who've seen it all before
And all the people who really understand
Know they're right, and have done it right, could I get to be like that
I'll know what I don't know, it's harder everyday
Can't lift a finger, can't hurt a fly
I've found I always move too slowly
One things for certain, I'm insecure
I never knew till someone told me that....
If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all
Nobody cares at all
They never care at all