Ximar

weird that we can be both wise and stupid at the same time. my darlin' computer has been acting up lately, which is why i'm not really in the mood to use it often. two good things happened yesterday; someone complimented me on my smile and reem came for a visit. huma is planning for a girls' night in tonight; jehan and manal just moved around the corner and are more than happy to have us over at their house. i'm supposed to bring a dish, but so far have no idea on what to make yet. i had thought that this semester would be hectic for me, but till date it hasn't been yet. i'm taking five classes with four and a half credit and am working fourteen hours a week. i would have taken another class, i guess, except that another econ class would make it "all bread with no peanut butter or jelly" (as prof. dapice put it) and the challenging racism class doesn't take the dimension that i had hoped it would. i'm still waiting to hear about my transcript from ppp, i really hope this transfer credit thing would be done quickly.

can't seem to complain enough about the weather. chikishu!

the girls are all at the gym. i feel bad. i did make an effort though, i told huma to wake me up. but when it's seven in the morning, and it's freezing ten degrees outside, and i'm warm and cozy in my bed, it's not hard to guess where i'd rather be. but hey, i'm making progress here. i didn't go back to sleep, which is a BIG accomplishment for moi.

sara literally dragged me to the galleria with her today to get cellphones. so, i finally have one. i'm calling tufts connect to disconnect the phone service to my room tomorrow. unfortunately, in the process of getting myself a phone, i lost my gloves. how stupid could i be? the weather's gonna be killing this week. already, the past three, four days had been extremely cold. i can't imagine living without my gloves, it'll be suicidal. have to go get a pair real soon. my sister, is out of the hospital. alhamdulillah...

i knew i should have called home earlier. one of my sisters has also been admitted to the hospital for dengue fever. her platlet was down to fifty five yesterday. hopefully it doesn't go any lower than that. hopefully also, no one else will get sick.

i just had to write this, what went through my head while watching the two towers:
- frodo and sam are so gay
- pretty amazing to see gandalf the old riding horse without a saddle
- the guys who play frodo, sam, legolas and saruman don't really strike me as good actors
- at dinner tonight, amir told us story about how to recover someone who is being possessed, a bomoh kinda person would smack the forehead of the possessed while shouting, "begone, demon!" well, when gandalf tries to free the rohan's king from saruman, i couldn't help but remembering what he had told us earlier. very much similar, dewi and i couldn't stop gigling in the theater.

it's warmer in the hallway than here in my room. this is so wrong, i shouldn't have turned down the heater when i went out earlier. someone told me, supposedly tonight is the coldest night here for the past three-four years or so. if it weren't so cold, it would have been such a nice night. the moon is almost full and the sky is all clear. we went to see the two towers again. halfway through the movie, the fire alarm went off. darn, i was this-->close to see legolas does that thing with jumping onto the horse. i was just waiting for that. but no, they had to go and ruin it for me. well, i guess they did make up for it. we all each got two tickets that we can use whenever, at whichever loews theater for whatever movie we wish. good enough for me, worth the wait in the cold.

bhool ja
in aasuon se kisko kya hua haasil
maana kehna hai aasan nibhana hai mushkil
phir bhi aye yaar mere sun le meri ilteja
bhool ja, jo hua use bhool ja, hai kasam tujhe muskura
khud ko yu na de tu saza, un yaadon ko tu bhool ja
wo to nahi tha teri wafa un ke khatil
jaane kya sochkar tu ne dediya apna dil
is baar dil ka saudha karna na yu bewacha
bhool ja, jo hua use bhool ja, hai kasam tujhe muskura
khud ko yu na de tu saza, un yaadon ko tu bhool ja
teri zindagi teri hai kissiki amaanat nahi
jab chaahe tor de aisi ek imaanat nahi

woh pehli baar
woh pehli baar jab hum mile
haatho me haath jab hum chale
hogaya ye dil deewana
hota hai pyaar kya is ne jaana
teri aankhon me channat basaa ke chala
teri zulfon ki chao me chalta chala
tere naino me chain tere lappe ye khusyi
tujhko hi me mohabbat banaa ke chala
woh pehli baar jab hum mile
hoga sharur ye silsile
hogaya ye dil deewana
hota hai pyaar kya is ne jaana
khilte kaliya me daandu baas tere nisya
me na jaanu hai aakhir kya kaarwa
tuhjhe dekhun to aaye lappe khusyi
khuda na kare ho kabhi dooriya
woh pehli baar jab hum mile
haatho me haath jab hum chale
hogaya ye dil deewana
hota hai pyaar kya hum ne jaana
hogaya hu me pagal ab tere liye
tere bin dil bichara ye kaise jiye
maine khoge hai chain paye tujhme khusyi
tu banii jane jaana meri zindagi

tanha dil
aankhon me sapne liye
ghar se hum chal to diye
jaane hi raahe ab jaayange kaha
mitti ki kushbhu aaye
palko me aasoo laye
palko pe rahjayega yaadon ka jaha
manzil naaye hai anjaana hai kaarva
chalna akele hai yaha
tanha dil, tanha safar
dundhe tujhe phir kyu nazar
tanha dil.........
dil kash nazaare dekhe
jhilmil sitaare dekhe
aankhon me phir bhi tera chahra hai jhava
kitni barsa te aaye kitni sauwa te laaye
kano me phir bhi gundje teri hi saana
pane kiye te apna hoga aashiya
bandho ka chane hoga kya
tanha dil, tanha safar
dundhe tujhe phir kyu nazar
tanha dil.........

coming out in june is the fifth harry potter book, harry potter and the order of the phoenix. all of a sudden, summer seems so far away. huma brought back a few cds from pakistan, and got me hooked on shaan. his songs are beautiful. simple words, but very meaningful. my favourite songs are bhool ja (which i can totally relate to, of course) and woh pehli baar. just found out i'm not doing thursday night shifts with chris. can't help but feel a bit glad.

it's the best feeling to know that someone loves you and accept you the way you are. on the other hand, it's also the worst feeling to know that you are not good enough for someone else. how do we know who we should associate with? how do we know who will hurt us and who will make us feel more complete? is there really no happiness without pain? why do we never learn to appreciate the good things without experiencing the bad ones?

ok, so i went to check out the challenging racism class. somehow, the way the class is constructed doesn't really appeal to me. not to say that it won't be interesting, but i'm totally on a different page on the subject. it's just no, no... maybe some other time, some other place, some other world. other than that, we've been frantically trying to call reem and find out how she's doing. looks like i won't been having a roommate after all this semester. seriously, it would have been really exciting to have the room all to myself, but reem's such a nice roommate and i really would miss having her around and talking to her. i pray that she'll get better and come back to school in the summer. finally got myself a humidifier, had to wait for the nose to start bleeding again to get me on the move. my day tomorrow doesn't start until three, yeehaa!

ok, so i went to check out the challenging racism class. somehow, the way the class is constructed doesn't really appeal to me. not to say that it won't be interesting, but i'm totally on a different page on the subject. it's just no, no... maybe some other time, some other place, some other world. other than that, we've been frantically trying to call reem and find out how she is. looks like i won't been having a roommate after all this semester. seriously, i would have been excited having the room all to myself, but reem's such a nice roommate and i really would miss having her around and talking to her. i pray that she'll get better and come back to school in the summer. i finally got myself a humidifier, had to wait for the nose to start bleeding again to get me on the move. my day tomorrow doesn't start until three.

my ladies are all back, the house is blasting with music and the mice are running wild. i am really not in the mood for classes tomorrow. but we do what we have to do. i'm so sleepy, i think i'll just go to bed. first class at nine thirty tomorrow. where? i'm not sure.

it feels so good to be back in my own room. and can sleep in my own bed. and have my own monitor back. nothing's like your own. the only thing is it feels a bit creepy to know that i'm the only person in the house tonight. usman is back, the others will all be back tomorrow. then i won't be as lonely anymore. i hope reem is coming back, i don't really look forward to losing a really nice roommate. diah helped me move this afternoon, and after that she was actually willing to take me practise driving. i was really nervous, and thankful that it was diah who was instructing me. if it had been shakir, i'm sure i would have crashed into something. i wouldn't even go on curtis or college ave, that was how scared and unconfident i was.

diah and i both agree that we have expensive friends, or maybe more well put as high maintainance friendships. but since we can't have it any other way, we manage to manage. it's not like we have to be or act rich and pretend to be someone we are not to fit in. it's just that we do things that cost money and time to get everyone together and keep the 'heat' in the friendship going. we're not that willing to deprive our purses from their isi, but what's a few tens of dollars compared to a few good friends. on another totally different topic, i have come to the realization that my mom and my youngest sister have found the perfect playmate in each other. they live in their own world where my mom is 'ibu' (in real world, she's 'ma') and my sister is 'adek' (real world - 'najah' or 'jah' or 'mek yah') and they sleep in each other's arms. i hate it (hey, i never got to play with my mom), but it's endearing as well. they look so cute together.

last night a friend told that i'm being very negative about myself and most things that happen to me. well, can't help it i guess. maybe it's just a phase that i've to go through every now and then. i worry a lot about things that i say and do to people. meaning i obsess with every mistake and wrong word that i do and utter. on the other hand, when friends do or say unimaginable things, i make excuses for them. 97% of the times anyway. i'm an indecisive person. i never know what i truly want, but i always know what i don't want. that could be because there is a lot that i want, and i'm not sure which one i should want most. i also know the things that i don't want are things that would harm me or those closest to me, but i might not know everything that is not good for me. in which case, some of the things that i want might actually belong to the category of things i should not want, which makes me even more unsure of what i want. i'm not being coherent or even making sense. well, what i want most at this very minute is to become a psychiatrist, so than no one can call me crazy and tell me i should see a shrink.

i'm a human, it happened.

no honey, you're a woman. and men don't like women to be human. we aren't supposed to fart, douche, use tampons, or have hair in places we shouldn't.

carrie and samantha from sex and the city first season.

to a certain level, i have to agree. god knows who set up the rule and when, but it still applies the last time i talked to a guy friend of mine. we were talking about this girl, who is very smart and attractive, at least according to me and everyone else. i couldn't believe it when he said she's such a turn-off. if i remember correctly, he said something to the affect of, "she has moustache for christ sake, didn't you notice that?!" well, blimey partner, i didn't. there's so much more to her than that spot above her lips. why make such a big deal out of it. what you have here is a wonderful girl who just happens to have some facial hair on her that no one else notice but you. small problem, can be taken care of. i mean, we do live in a modern world, don't we? why should a small detail like that keeps you away from getting to know a really great person? i don't get it. i mean, men fart... and women can't? no wait, we can... as long as we don't do it in front of men. guess what people, who would want to fart in front of anyone anyway? i mean, you know we do and have these taboo things, you'd just rather not talk about them and pretend they don't happen or exist, you'd rather have us do these things away from your presence. you'd rather see, and have nice results rather than being bothered with the process of getting those results. is this what this is all about? *exasperated sigh* men...

i went book-shopping today. thought i'd go early before everyone else comes back to avoid the regular back-to-school rush. and now i have $425 on my bursar account which i hope jpa will pay for, because if not i don't know what to do. prolly drop out of school and go home and open a gerai burger. urgh. i was so distressed after spending that much money in less than half an hour. so i went to the media center and did what i think any other normal female in my shoes would have done - i ate (or maybe i should say i binge-ate. since 2:30 this afternoon till about an hour ago, i've been eating all kind of junks. and unlike most normal female here, i don't go to the gym. i've only been to the gym once - ok, twice if i can count the matriculation ceremony. and that one time i went there was to take pictures for the daily. afsan's on a mission right now, she thinks she can convert me into a gym regular. i'm not being skeptical, but i highly doubt it (is there a difference?!?). i don't know, diah actually went to the gym the other day, so i guess there's still hope for me.

i was just thinking - one of the things i'm getting tired of doing here is dodging handshakes, hugs and pats. somehow dodging bludgers seems far more interesting and easier.

richard has asked me to come in everyday whenever i can now, yeay! that means less time spent sleeping and doing nothing and more money. can't believe school's starting next week. i am totally looking forward to see everyone, but i can't bear the thought of going to classes again. next semester is going to be hard for me, most probably i will have to start working as hard as the other guys. urgh. although, i don't really think i wanna be a night owl (as diah put it). an early bird would suit me better. oh, i registered for ex-college classes yesterday. so many interesting ones, i almost ended up registering for four classes. another dilemma, how can i actually decide which classes i should take? the best solution for me seems to be to go to the classes and check out the instructors and materials myself. there's actually a class on genetics engineering being conducted online. i would love to do that class, i'm thinking i can but i don't know if i have enough self-discipline to do it. there's also the public relations and marketing class. gail bambrick's teaching it! she's really cool. she had helped us with the brochure and cd for the islamic center project last year. other classes that i'm also interested in: working in organizations, ethical leadership in business, success and failure in business, education for active citizenship. i wonder if they would actually let me do only ex-college classes. i'd be more than satisfied if they do *sigh* although my advisor would prolly kill me. well, junior year's coming up soon. a lot of things to think about. also there's the issue of declaring my major by the end of this coming semester to be dealt with. double major? minor? econs? poli sci? try combining grad study? brrrr.. hate making decisions.

thanks to ijan, i'm hooked on anime again. media center has a few collections of anime and some of them are really good. i particularly like cowboy bebop and outlaw star. most of the anime in our collection are really weird, and some are just plain stupid. currently, i'm downloading anime from kazaa. prolly will also burn some of them as my brother has asked me to. i remember reading the comic city hunter, but couldn't find it anywhere. that one's an interesting story, i would have loved to watch it. one good thing that will prolly come out from me watching and looking at this anime is that i can recommend the good ones to richard so that he can add them to our collection. fun stuff. just order whatever i wanna watch through the library. some of the videos i suggested have come in. harry potter, of course. and anne of green gables ( i've been wanting to watch it again for ages ). a few classic hindi movies. most are still on order, sadly. i had hoped they'd come in during the break. oh, well.

i don't understand why my parents have never bothered to tell me immediately of something bad that has happened. i seriously would have prefered to learn the bad news from them and have them answer all the questions that i might have. i can't tell people how upset i am right now, i just learned that my brother is in the hospital for dengue fever. he's been there for four days, and he's been sick for a week, and no one bothered to tell me at all. if i hadn't talk to my sister today, i still wouldn't find out about it. this is not the only time this has happened, it's been like this for as long as i can remember. even when i was in high school, no one said anything when my mom gave birth, my brother was in an accident, my other brother broke his collarbone, the other one had an operation. i mean, am i not part of the family? don't i deserve to know everything that happens? would they actually wait till someone dies before they would tell me? or would they forget about me even then? i'm just really upset right now, i don't know what to do.

we went shopping yesterday and i got myself a few nice things. which includes a ten dollar watch. think this is my sixth watch in the past seven years and third in the last fifteen months. my last watch was a goner when it went into the washing machine. i never bothered getting an expensive watch coz i know it won't survive long. this weekend has been the nicest one yet since the break began.anand sent me an email that sounded really urgent and i called him coz it got me worried. well, thank god he was ok. apparently his roommate had a mental breakdown and had to be sent to the hospital. these kind of things happen a lot both in harvard and mit, and i guess i can understand why. it's tough enough being in school, not to mention in an exceptionally excellent school. i feel lucky i guess, to be in a good enough school with a healthy level of competition. i think tufts gives me enough room to expand without feeling threatened by what others around me do or achieved. i actually feel more pressured when comparing myself with people at other schools than people at tufts. here, i feel like everyone has their own field that they excel in. if i'm not good in one thing, i feel assured that i can do something else better than other people. although sometimes, i certainly feel like i need to compete with everyone in everything. but with people at other school, i kind of have the picture that everyone is doing really well both academically and non-academically. so i have this urge to prove that i can achieved whatever they have achieved too, although i have no idea what that is. kinda stupid, no? heheh...

ehem... about what i wrote below, it does not mean that i don't appreciate my friends. Khuda knows, i can't live without my friends. i grew up among friends, i see my friends more than i see my own family. what i am today is partly what my friends have made me ( although i doubt anyone wants to take credit *grin* ). i'll take the hurt another thirteen thousand times if each time i'm given a chance to know a friend like the ones i have and have had.

noureddine was talking about relationships today. i don't know if anyone else ever feels this way, but at one point of time i used to feel that there's no use in trying to get to know anyone and making new friends. because it's frustrating to have to let them go after i've made all the efforts of building our friendship. i mean, we put a lot of work to be a good friend and to find a good friend. then we go our separate ways. and that hurts, to say farewell. then we try to keep in touch, we hold on to the old memories. but after sometime, we realize that that's all there is, memories. and that hurts too. we are no longer the same persons we were before. we have changed so much that sometimes it's hard to imagine that this person used to be your friend. but what we had before was something really special. i'm not even sure if i'm making any sense to anyone. but that was how i used to feel. in the end, i've come to realize that the most solid relationships are the one with Him and the one formed by blood. friends come and go as i pass through the many phases of life.