Thursday, April 29, 2004 @ Don't really feel like writing much
"It's everything I'd ever wanted and didn't know."
- Noah Wyle on being a parent
"So you agree? You think you're really pretty?"
- the kid from Mean Girls
"... go together like chocolate ice-cream and an onion."
- Simon Cowell on John Stevens' singing Latin music
Tuesday, April 27, 2004 @ The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain
I wouldn't know that now, would I?
Looked up definition of "shallow" on Dictionary.com, and I thought the word fittingly describes myself. And I figure whoever reads whatever I write here most probably will reach the same conclusion as yours truly.
I did something really stupid while working at the Media Center yesterday. I accidentally locked one of the two computers that we use to check things out to patrons. Whoever worked there last night were probably mad pissed at me. Sunday nights tend to be the busiest nights of all.
Nothing much is going on right now. Everyone's pretty much caught up in preparing for exams and stuff. I, for one, am very much looking forward to summer.
Monday, April 26, 2004 @ Haiya
My sister's birthday and I forgot to call her. Great!!!! &*#^*$^@
@ Tweet tweet
That's supposed to be the sounds of birds chirping. I see people with just jeans and tees outside, is it really that warm already? Weather.com says 50+ F, that's still light-jacket-temperature for me, even with the sun out.
Called home this morning :) Ma was sleeping (at 9:30! She used to go to bed at 1!) so I talked to my younger brother who's home from college. God, I haven't talked to him in months. It was nice catching up and exchanging insults *grin* Of all things, we ended up talking about 8tv. It sounds like a good thing, but I wonder about the cencorship. Hmm... Talked to my dad after he came back from tutoring. My poor dad, working 7 days and 5 nights every week. I pray to God that I'll be financially able to support my family soon so my parents can retire and enjoy a good rest as they so deserve.
Diah's qualifier is tomorrow. I want to go visit her today, maybe after I finish at the Media Center. Some moral support wouldn't hurt, eh.
Saturday, April 24, 2004 @ Smile
Life isn't so bad.
Life is hard - compared to what???
Never complain, never explain.
Never sleep on a hungry stomach. Or a crowded mind.
Study, play and pray hard.
Keep alive the child in you.
I'm stuck at the media center. My shift ended two hours ago, but David couldn't come in, and Dani, Richard and Stacy all have the day off. Fortunately, I remembered to call Jordan, and he said he could come in at 2:30. Now there's one person who'd never say no to making extra money.
I missed Friday prayer :(
Friday, April 23, 2004 @ Things I wrote in the past few days
Sunday, April 18, 2004
I hate not having the luxury of the internet close at hand. I’m so used to writing down whatever’s on my mind before I sleep on this blog. I know people say writing is writing, no matter where you put it, but somehow, habits are really hard to change.
I had really wanted to enjoy myself tonight, but that didn’t happen. Honestly, I can never learn to keep my mouth shut. How do I get it into this head of mine that I have to steer away from things that are none of my business? Just shut the fuck up and stop saying things that invite arguments.
I always manage to hurt people with the things that I say, even when I have no intention of doing so. And I fucking hate it. You know how you heart gets a black dot on it for every sin that you do? Well, I get a cut across my heart for every hurtful thing that people say to me. I bet it’s the same thing with the rest of the people too. God is Most Generous and Gracious, that He makes it easy for us to clean our hearts of the black dots. But the cuts take really long time to heal. Even after the cuts clear, your heart’s going to be so raw that it’s going to be so easily hurt again. Sometimes my heart hurts so much I can actually feel the hurt physically.
I didn’t appreciate the way someone said things to me tonight. I know the person had only the best intention at heart, but honestly, it didn’t come out right. And I did not know how to tell this person to stop. And my incapability of doing so spoiled the night, not only for myself, but also for two other people I care most about. I had every intention of enjoying the game when we went bowling tonight, but after three throws, I just felt like an idiot, and couldn’t perfect my moves. I really like the game, and I hate it that I wasn’t able to enjoy it.
I need someone to be the other me. I’m so used to having friends I can be myself with that I’m having a hard time trying to depend only on myself. You know how people talk about having a support system? Well, other than Him, I don’t have much. I know that some people would argue that He’s the only one that you need. But you know what, I’m a really weak person, and there’s only so much I can do by myself.
I’m not an angel. I’ve done my share of bad things to people, and I’m sure I’ll do more, regardless of whether I intend them or not. When I do something bad, I really feel bad about it, and I try to apologize to the people involve. It’s hard, but I have to do it, because otherwise, I can’t sleep at night and I’m scared that I’ll die before I have the opportunity to do so. What am I going to tell Him then? When people do bad things to me, I tend to forget it. I try to forgive, if it’s within my power to do so, and I forget. Whatever has happened happened. Let it go, and move on with your lives.
With my closest friends in high school, we bickered and disagreed all the time. In being ourselves, we said and did things that sometimes offended each other. For instance, I could tell a friend to her face that she was being rude, and we’d still be friends. She knew I meant well. I would definitely apologized afterwards for calling her rude, but not for telling her she was rude. Try doing the same thing today with the group of people I hang out with. Believe me, all hell is going to break loose and no amount of apologies can rectify the damage. Why is that? Is it because people are so damn sensitive? Or are they too proud to that they think they are above having flaws? Do they honestly prefer to live in the fantasy world where everything they do and say is perfect and whoever says otherwise is wrong? All I can say is, plant your feet back on the ground. Learn to take some criticism, and try not to be so damn sensitive.
There’s also another thing that freaking annoys me. And it’s a disease that I myself am still trying to recover from. Don’t do things that you don’t appreciate others doing to you. If you don’t like people talking about you, stop talking about other people. If you don’t like people trying to get secrets out of you, stop trying to dig them out from other people. If you don’t like people not telling you things, stop hiding things from other people. Just stop for a minute, and think before we do anything.
Aite, I think that’s enough venting out for one session. Later.
Monday, April 19, 2004
The weather is unbelievably nice today :)
I’m going to get myself a bound book with hard covers that I can use to jot my thoughts in. I think I saw what I have in mind in the Harvard Bookstore, but if I remember correctly, the price seemed a bit high.
I’m looking forward to use the gift certificate to Barnes and Noble. I have a few books in mind that I’d like to get. Although, I’m not quite sure where the closest B&N is. There’s a really huge one near Burlington Mall, I remember going there with Dewi and Diah. That store was amazing; I could easily spend hours in there. Too bad Tisch Library is nowhere close to anything like it.
Internet is still down and will not be working till at least Wednesday. It sucks, but at the same time, my life seems so much more peaceful. Figures, I haven’t checked my e-mail for 4 days now.
Monday, April 19, 2004
It feels like a summer night. Strange, really. I wish I could go outside for a walk. I was just thinking about it actually, before Huma told me that Muz and she were going to go for a walk. It just wouldn’t be right; the campus is not big enough for us to walk without bumping into each other.
I want to call home to find out about my sister’s visit to the doctor. I hope she’s doing better. I miss my family. I haven’t talked to my older brother for the longest time. I know he never really offers any advice, but it always help to talk to him, because he listens. That’s the nice thing about siblings; you can tell them anything and still not severe the ties that you share. They don’t judge you like everyone else does. Sometimes I almost wish I had never really left home. I miss the comfort of home, I miss the feeling that I belong, I miss the company of my family, I miss the cries and laughter, and most importantly, I miss being amongst the people who care about me and the people to whom I matter.
I hate feeling dependent on someone, in terms of companionship, because I know the time will come when we have to separate and I hate feeling lost like I know I would then. This is the very reason I try not to spend as much time with Huma as I did before. In doing that, I have now become accustomed to Muz’s company, and it is not helping matters since he too will be leaving soon. I don’t know what to do. I love my friends, but at the same time, I want to spare myself from the heartache. I don’t think I can handle this anymore.
Good night.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
I have no motivation to either go to class or do work. God, help me. I need someone to be my study partner, that way I can be sure to be productive.
I need to get a new perfume. My Armani White is gone, and I don’t want to use my 212 on a daily basis.
Hungry. Breakfast then.
Thursday, April 22, 2004 @ me back!
trust the boys downstairs to come knocking on my door at 1:30 in the morning to ask my opinion on whether or not it is gross to share a spoon of ice cream with someone *grin* i miss this kind of silly arguments.
god, it feels good to be connected to the world again.
Thursday, April 15, 2004 @ Star light, star bright
three things i'd rather be doing right now:
1) drive my mother's car
2) go for a walk on the hill
3) smoke a cigarette on the front steps
Wednesday, April 14, 2004 @ Home is where the heart is
i wish i have all the time in the world to read. i don't want people to tell me what i have to read, but i want to be able to read the things i'm interested in or about. and i don't want to do anything else, but read. *sigh* i think that would be my ultimate dream, something i will always fantasize about.
i royally screw up this time. how in the world am i gonna fix this?
Tuesday, April 13, 2004 @ Matter of the heart
there are a lot of things that usman said that i don't necessarily agree with. but there was one occasion when he said something i think is really true - that love doesn't just happen; it develops from an attraction that you act on. i don't believe in head over heels kind of love. i don't believe in love at first sight. i believe that love is a feeling we nurture and nourish, hopefully
lillahi Ta'ala. but attraction, is a different matter entirely. sometimes we just feel it flickers, sometimes it's much stronger. if we pursue it, that's when we develop it into the so-called love. if we ignore it, it's just another crush. i really don't know where to go with this, it's just been consistently on my mind lately. let's hope writing it down will put it at rest ;)
we talked about dr. m in class today. that was kinda interesting. next class there'll be more about malaysia to talk about. i kinda look forward to that.
@ \(^ ^)/
i got a $30 barnes and noble gift certificate from the international center *happy*
Monday, April 12, 2004 @ Kitchen and chicken
unfortunately, reception works best in the kitchen, so everyone goes in there to talk on their phones. if it's 12 in the afternoon, it's all fine. but when it's 2 in the morning, it's another story.
i wanted to write about something, but now i can't remember what it was. hmmph.
oh, yeah. i really want a webcam, but my bank account is practically depleted at the moment. bleh.
bila duit elaun nak masuk?
i need to send my sister a birthday card.
@ Gham kay hamesha muskura kay chupana
ingat akan dirinya mati
itulah asal berbuat bakti
akhirat itu telah pun nyata
kepada hati yang tidak buta
Sunday, April 11, 2004 @ As long as the weather stays fine
as long as the weather stays fine, i think i can manage to stay sane.
huma's birthday yesterday. went out to dinner to celebrate it, there were 23 of us. people thank me for organizing it, but truthfully, i didn't need to do much. everyone wanted to go for her, i think it was a testimony to what kind of person she is. give people chance to appreciate a person who deserves it, you don't have a lot to do after that.
a lot of work to do. i hope i can manage it. islamic awareness week begins monday. islamic center opening on wednesday. then later that day, the dinner with director general of the public service department. i've been asked to do something i've never done before, so i'm both excited and anxious at the same time. draft of my econ paper due on thursday. a couple of homework, and i think i have a midterm coming up also. it's after spring break after all, it's not going to get any easier.
Thursday, April 08, 2004 @
i just wanna burst into tears right at this moment, but neel is sitting right here in my room. bleh.
boy, things sure can change in the blink of an eye.
my sister's thyroid problem is not getting any better. she went to the hospital and they suspect it might be goiter, so they wanna do a test that involves a small surgery. my mom doesn't want her to do it.
i miss my family, i wanna call home, but i kept missing the time, coz i woke up so late.
i pity people who befriend me. i say the stupidest shit at the stupidest time. there's a reason why in islam silence is such a big virtue. it's for people like me who never think before they say shit.
i love anand. he's about the only one person i can talk to without feeling i am being judged.
Wednesday, April 07, 2004 @ It's a beautiful day
the sun came out today. after days of dark clouds and rain. i, for one, am very thankful.
i need just one night of good, undisturbed sleep, and then i will be fine. i have trouble falling asleep, i wake up in the middle of the night for no reason, i have bad dreams, i can't nap during the day. it's draining my energy and i feel tired all day long. so unhealthy.
had a macroecon midterm. it went pretty well. i was really surprised since i started studying only last night. or maybe i only thought i did well. whatever, i still feel good about it.
went to george borjas lecture on legal and illegal immigration. it was pretty interesting.
Monday, April 05, 2004 @ Bolo na... dil kholo na
had what usman called leftover-food party and what i called eat-it-before-it-goes-bad party. it was really nice, i'm really glad people came. the food's almost gone now.
this is why i call diah kindness-and-sweetness-itself-how-can-i-not-love-her (and dewi too!) - they brought me ben and jerry's primary berry graham ice cream that i've been craving for since suhaimi let me tried his two weeks ago. yum-my! being the kind creature that i was, i shared it with muz and shaq :P
doing a presentation tomorrow for international finance. i need to work on the power point presentation and then send it to nishant. also have macroecon exam on tuesday.
Sunday, April 04, 2004 @ Been a long day
spent the whole day at the msa national northeast zone conference. it went well, much better than i had expected. saw some people from rpi, lehigh and upenn that i know, which was really nice.
on the other side of the world, rom is getting engaged today. nice date huh, 04-04-04.
tahniah! my prayers and best wishes always, mate.
honestly, who would have thought that rom would have been the first one among us six to be settling down? i was expecting zaiti to take the lead. things can sometimes change so much so quickly.
a couple of people did something that just didn't sit right with me. seriously, the best way to deal with situation like this is to distance yourself from these people, so you wouldn't have to confront them, and they wouldn't have a chance to bring out the worst in you.
i want to write about some of the things that the speakers talked about at today's conference, but i'm beat. perhaps tomorrow.
Friday, April 02, 2004 @ Rain, rain, trickle away
haven't called home for a while, i should totally do that. but haven't really found the right time. but then again, it's always the right time if you're calling home.
it's still raining. think it's been raining for more than 48 hours now. definitely not fun. i came home like a drenched rat everytime i went outside. lack of umbrella, you see. had a crappy one, but couldn't seem to find it.
saw the frat boys out in fletcher field, frolicking around in the rain for a good 5 minutes (any longer than that, i'd expect the cops would be rolling in). at first glance, i thought they were wearing clothes, but after a while, wasn't so sure anymore. hmm...
sent out the invitation cards today. to everyone, but the chaplains. thought i'd talk to noureddine first to make sure i have cards for everyone.
msa northeast zone conference is this weekend, saturday. hope it'll be a successful event.
confessed something to a friend today. it feels good to finally say it out aloud, it'll be easier for me to move on after this. with any kind of feelings or emotions, you can't keep ignoring them. you gotta acknowledge what you truly feel and then decide what to do with it. accept things as they are and move on, or take action to change things for the better.
Thursday, April 01, 2004 @ \ ( ^ -^)/
a lot of positive energies around today :)
finished my paper proposal and sent it in. take home midterm and assignment to look forward to this day.
@ A good book is always hard to put down
finished reading the da vinci code. good book, captivating story. i stopped writing my paper midway in order to finish reading the book (talk about getting my priorities straight, heh :P)
dewi and diah are now proud aunties of rakryan abiyasa bramono. i can imagine how exciting this must be for them. congratulations. i hope both the mother and son are doing well.
i had an outbreak of hives yesterday after my run. "Physical urticaria are hives resulting from an outside source: rubbing of the skin, cold, heat, physical exertion or exercise, pressure or direct exposure to sunlight."
jadi puteri lilin la mcm ni ye.