last night i had a dream - no, call it a nightmare. i dreamt that someone was trying to kill me. i couldn't tell who that someone was, or if it was a he or a she, but i'm gonna assume it's a he. i sure hope there's no girl out there who would want to kill me. i'm definitely not the kind of girl to turn someone's boyfriend's head around.
so anyway, i was being killed in my dream. this person was pinning me to his side under one arm and his elbow was pushing deep into my chest, right under my breastbone, so i couldn't breathe. i remember feeling so desperate, his size and the way he was holding me made it impossible to reach out and hit him, or even to move. i was really frustrated, feeling trapped and not being able to do anything about it. and that feeling of not being able to breathe, is horrible. i hate it. this feels like a dejavu, i must have written something similar a while back.
i hate not being able to breathe. i hate to lie down on the bed and find the pillow is too flat, because it makes breathing hard for me. i hate wearing so many layers of clothes because they make me feel smothered. i hate using a scarf or zipping my jacket all the way up to my chin in the winter. i hate wearing the seatbelt in the car because it strapped my chest. i hate being too deep in the water because it creates pressure against my chest. i hate it when people put the heater on for high and it gets too hot in the car. i hate it when it gets too hot in the summer because it's harder to breathe then. i hated it when my mom used to put vicks vaporub on my chest.
i'm very sensitive to anything that affects my breathing, ever since i was in elementary school. my dad used to get really annoyed with me, for complaining about not being able to sleep at nights. my mom took me to see a doctor, and he suggested that i was too fat that the fat in my chest was cramping my heart (at least that's the way i understood it). i hated the doctor for that, i still do.