Sunday, April 18, 2004
I hate not having the luxury of the internet close at hand. I’m so used to writing down whatever’s on my mind before I sleep on this blog. I know people say writing is writing, no matter where you put it, but somehow, habits are really hard to change.
I had really wanted to enjoy myself tonight, but that didn’t happen. Honestly, I can never learn to keep my mouth shut. How do I get it into this head of mine that I have to steer away from things that are none of my business? Just shut the fuck up and stop saying things that invite arguments.
I always manage to hurt people with the things that I say, even when I have no intention of doing so. And I fucking hate it. You know how you heart gets a black dot on it for every sin that you do? Well, I get a cut across my heart for every hurtful thing that people say to me. I bet it’s the same thing with the rest of the people too. God is Most Generous and Gracious, that He makes it easy for us to clean our hearts of the black dots. But the cuts take really long time to heal. Even after the cuts clear, your heart’s going to be so raw that it’s going to be so easily hurt again. Sometimes my heart hurts so much I can actually feel the hurt physically.
I didn’t appreciate the way someone said things to me tonight. I know the person had only the best intention at heart, but honestly, it didn’t come out right. And I did not know how to tell this person to stop. And my incapability of doing so spoiled the night, not only for myself, but also for two other people I care most about. I had every intention of enjoying the game when we went bowling tonight, but after three throws, I just felt like an idiot, and couldn’t perfect my moves. I really like the game, and I hate it that I wasn’t able to enjoy it.
I need someone to be the other me. I’m so used to having friends I can be myself with that I’m having a hard time trying to depend only on myself. You know how people talk about having a support system? Well, other than Him, I don’t have much. I know that some people would argue that He’s the only one that you need. But you know what, I’m a really weak person, and there’s only so much I can do by myself.
I’m not an angel. I’ve done my share of bad things to people, and I’m sure I’ll do more, regardless of whether I intend them or not. When I do something bad, I really feel bad about it, and I try to apologize to the people involve. It’s hard, but I have to do it, because otherwise, I can’t sleep at night and I’m scared that I’ll die before I have the opportunity to do so. What am I going to tell Him then? When people do bad things to me, I tend to forget it. I try to forgive, if it’s within my power to do so, and I forget. Whatever has happened happened. Let it go, and move on with your lives.
With my closest friends in high school, we bickered and disagreed all the time. In being ourselves, we said and did things that sometimes offended each other. For instance, I could tell a friend to her face that she was being rude, and we’d still be friends. She knew I meant well. I would definitely apologized afterwards for calling her rude, but not for telling her she was rude. Try doing the same thing today with the group of people I hang out with. Believe me, all hell is going to break loose and no amount of apologies can rectify the damage. Why is that? Is it because people are so damn sensitive? Or are they too proud to that they think they are above having flaws? Do they honestly prefer to live in the fantasy world where everything they do and say is perfect and whoever says otherwise is wrong? All I can say is, plant your feet back on the ground. Learn to take some criticism, and try not to be so damn sensitive.
There’s also another thing that freaking annoys me. And it’s a disease that I myself am still trying to recover from. Don’t do things that you don’t appreciate others doing to you. If you don’t like people talking about you, stop talking about other people. If you don’t like people trying to get secrets out of you, stop trying to dig them out from other people. If you don’t like people not telling you things, stop hiding things from other people. Just stop for a minute, and think before we do anything.
Aite, I think that’s enough venting out for one session. Later.
Monday, April 19, 2004
The weather is unbelievably nice today :)
I’m going to get myself a bound book with hard covers that I can use to jot my thoughts in. I think I saw what I have in mind in the Harvard Bookstore, but if I remember correctly, the price seemed a bit high.
I’m looking forward to use the gift certificate to Barnes and Noble. I have a few books in mind that I’d like to get. Although, I’m not quite sure where the closest B&N is. There’s a really huge one near Burlington Mall, I remember going there with Dewi and Diah. That store was amazing; I could easily spend hours in there. Too bad Tisch Library is nowhere close to anything like it.
Internet is still down and will not be working till at least Wednesday. It sucks, but at the same time, my life seems so much more peaceful. Figures, I haven’t checked my e-mail for 4 days now.
Monday, April 19, 2004
It feels like a summer night. Strange, really. I wish I could go outside for a walk. I was just thinking about it actually, before Huma told me that Muz and she were going to go for a walk. It just wouldn’t be right; the campus is not big enough for us to walk without bumping into each other.
I want to call home to find out about my sister’s visit to the doctor. I hope she’s doing better. I miss my family. I haven’t talked to my older brother for the longest time. I know he never really offers any advice, but it always help to talk to him, because he listens. That’s the nice thing about siblings; you can tell them anything and still not severe the ties that you share. They don’t judge you like everyone else does. Sometimes I almost wish I had never really left home. I miss the comfort of home, I miss the feeling that I belong, I miss the company of my family, I miss the cries and laughter, and most importantly, I miss being amongst the people who care about me and the people to whom I matter.
I hate feeling dependent on someone, in terms of companionship, because I know the time will come when we have to separate and I hate feeling lost like I know I would then. This is the very reason I try not to spend as much time with Huma as I did before. In doing that, I have now become accustomed to Muz’s company, and it is not helping matters since he too will be leaving soon. I don’t know what to do. I love my friends, but at the same time, I want to spare myself from the heartache. I don’t think I can handle this anymore.
Good night.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
I have no motivation to either go to class or do work. God, help me. I need someone to be my study partner, that way I can be sure to be productive.
I need to get a new perfume. My Armani White is gone, and I don’t want to use my 212 on a daily basis.
Hungry. Breakfast then.